Sunday, July 31, 2011

Hand Maiden

As I have reported before, Moma thinks I am her hand maiden. She orders me around as if she thinks I have nothing else to do. After almost killing me with a massive stroke today, she got me again. She is FURIOUS that Rebekah has had the nerve to "load up that living room" with her things from her apt. She will be moving out in  another few weeks, and we have no other place to put them, so they are in my living room (in case you drop by). I heard her in there just fussing, so because I am tired of ignoring her, I stomped in there and let her have it. I reminded her that this is MY house, and we will put things where we damn well please. I mean I was really ugly about it. She marched to the den and sat on the sofa. I went back to Facebook. In a  minute, I heard, "Julie, Julie.....Julie, Julie.....Juuuuuuulie!" I stomped down there and she said, "Turn on the TV for me". I turned it to the gameshow network (entertainment for the elderly 24/7). As I started out of the room, she said, "You don't like me do you?" I said, "Right now, no.....I do not work for you. I am not your hand maiden. You expect me to drop everything and come running. I am tired of it." She said, "Forgive me", which is her standard answer. Just now as I sat down to update the blog, she bellowed, "JULIE.....JUUUUUULIE!" I got up and went down there. "What?" I asked. "What are you doing?" she asked, like I was 4. Ugh.....

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thursday? I love Thursdays!

Thursdays are my favorite days of the week! A) It's always been a good TV night B) I secretly begin my weekends on Thursdays, and C) I can easily slip in take-out on a Thursday with no questions asked (because I am NO cook). But Thursdays in the summer aren't quite so special due to re-runs and the fact that I try to slip in take-out or sandwiches as much as possible. Wife and mother of the year, I am not. And now, sadly, I am not granddaughter of the year either. It seems like I make Moma mad more than I try to (lol)
Yesterday, I had several little trips to make, and because of the times, they were all separate little trips. Moma gets furious with me for leaving now. Luckily, when I went to Dr. 10 (my Chinese Guru and chiropractor) at 10:00, she was still asleep. But when I went to lunch with my dear friend Trudie, she pitched the biggest hissy fit you have ever seen! I told her that Erin was here, and Rebekah was in her bed and Christopher was in his bed. I assured her she was not alone. She said, "Ain't none of 'em worth a shit!" Then later on that afternoon, I went to visit one of my kids who is in jail (and innocent, I believe), and I thought she was going to cry. "Please don't leave me alone! I feel so bad!" I said, "Go lie down". Her answer? "I'm afraid if I go to bed, you will leave me!" Good Lord! What next?? I hate to tell her but I go on enough guilt trips for the hubs and the kids...I ain't traveling down Guilt Road for her.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Mildred the Menace

Little Dennis has nothing on Little Mildred.  She has been a pistol ball this week (and it is only Tuesday!) Let's see....what has she done?
  • She took her bionic arm (her cane for you newbies) and scraped the rust on my old milk can on the deck that we use to put umbrellas in. She scraped it so good, she knocked a huge hole in the side. When I questioned her, she responded, "I didn't do that!" Although I sat and watched her do it! I got her a broom and put her to sweeping up her little mess. She turned the can around so she couldn't see the hole.
  • I was reading the paper and she kept asking stupid questions about supper (at 2:00 in the afternoon) so I just ignored her. She took her bionic arm and jabbed the paper so hard it hit my face, while screaming "HEY!!!" The urge to kill was overwhelming.
  • She was rambling in everything and I was going to use  my diversion tool. I poured her a huge glass of chocolate milk and suggested she have it on the deck. She was delighted! She sat down and began using her bionic arm again to move something that in NO WAY affected her, and yes, you guessed it. The chocolate milk spilled! Precious. 
  • I caught her feeding coconut candy to the dogs. I asked her where she got it. She said, "Oh, I have had this". Later, I noticed that she had ripped open the new bag I had just bought and thrown it back up on the refrigerator. I am sure she used her bionic arm to get that down.
  • In front of my 12 year old great niece, she screamed "Why in the hell are those damn flags on?" She meant ceiling fans.
  • Saturday night Sherry brought her a BBQ sandwich. She loves them! She was so excited until Kerry brought in our supper. She pitched a bloody fit because he didn't bring her anything. 
  • Sunday night, we got Jefferson's take-out. Everyone ordered something different. I split my chicken finger basket with her. She pitched a fit (a) because she didn't get a whole order and (b) because Christopher wouldn't give her a chicken wing. Then she screamed at Kerry because he was fussing at her and she said, "Well look what you've got! I didn't get that much!" But she would NOT eat it if we had given it to her. UGH! She is a 4 year old!
  • This morning, I fixed her breakfast because she cannot wait (oatmeal) but I made strawberry muffins for Erin and me. I had planned on giving Mildred one if she wanted it. When I put 2 on my plate and 2 on Erin's plate, I gave her 1. Normally, she'd want me to cut that in half. She responded, "Oh I guess I don't get 2". Then while I was getting out the butter to slather them up (yum), she said, "Put some butter on mine" before I even had it out good. Patience is a virtue that Mildred has never possessed. 
So, today, I am going to try to endure everything she dishes out. I'll just dream of August 10th when I go back to school! 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Yes, I am Fat!

This morning while getting ready for church, I heard Moma's door open. She peeked into the bathroom and said in her most polite voice "May I have some breakfast?" I answered her affirmatively and opened the door to the bathroom. My robe was open a tad, and as I went to secure it, I heard, "MY GOD I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS SO FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in her most judgemental voice. I hate her.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


If I was a cruel person (and many of you do think that, lol), I would post the 3 video clips that I shot of Moma having a dying spell yesterday. The funny thing is she kept hollering and finally I asked her, "What is wrong?" She kept slapping her chest saying "Something bad....." but no detail. You see why it is hard to even have empathy for her. No clue what the problem is. But, she said, "Pray for me!" in her little demanding, demonic voice. I said quietly, "Lord, take her home!" She sat straight up and said, "What'd you say?" I asked her if she wanted to go home to be with Jesus. She said, "No, that is what YOU want! You don't give a damn about me!" and crossed her arms, flung herself against her pillows and began bellowing "Help me Lord!" over and over. I did feel a little guilty but not guilty enough to stop me from making a video for my personal entertainment. I have to laugh or I'd run out the door pulling out my hair and screaming! :)

Friday, July 22, 2011

Back Home

I had the most awesome, relaxing trip! I did not put on make-up, clothes (well, except my bathing suit or pajamas) or shoes (except going to the beach), in fact, I did not leave the condo but one time to go with Cheryl to get a pizza. I watched old movies, laid on the beach, read the same paragraph over and over because there was just too much going on  around me on the beach, and ate! I ate things that I haven't eaten in a long time. In fact, it was our goal to eat every 2 hours at least! So much fun! I am so thankful to have friends like Cheryl! We did quite a bit of aerobic laughter!
We rolled into my driveway about 2:30 yesterday. Moma was asleep. Connie left and Rebekah and I caught up. Enter Moma. "Did you have to work today?" She had no clue that I had ever left the building. Precious. She had her confused hat on big time. She didn't really know why she was here. Sad.
This morning, she got up screaming "Somebody's dead! Who is it?" Lost as a goose.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Part 2? Ain't happening....

Sorry I never posted Part 2. It was a doozie! She nearly drove me completely insane that afternoon. Long story short, I took a long nap. She woke me up after MANY attempts. I was foggy, she was talky.....I took her "ridin'" because she wanted to go in the car. I seriously cannot even remember what all she did. But she did a lot!

Now....Monday morning bright and early, she got up to eat. I was getting ready to go to the beach for a much needed break. She ask no less than 32 times where I was going, who was going with me, and when I'd be back. But what she really wanted to know (all these questions led up to) was who was going to be there with her? I answered her every time she asked. My sitter was supposed to be there at 8:00. At 8:25, I called her to see if she was on her way. No, she wasn't because she thought she was supposed to come at 10:00 (huh?) So she promised to be on her way momentarily. I promptly went downstairs and woke up Christopher. He came upstairs and went straight to my bed. Moma looked in there at him. "What's he doing?" she asked. I explained, "He is going to stay with you until Connie gets here". "Shit!" she said. He won't pay me no 'ttention!" Smiling, I asked "What kind of 'ttention do you need?" She screamed "I don't need nothing!!" She was mad as a hornet. I asked her what her problem was and who she was mad at. She answered, "YOU! You running off and leaving me!" I said, "Moma, you will be fine. I will see you Thursday!" Snarling, she said, "You might and you might not!"

Saturday, July 16, 2011


 Here she is with her milkshake on the way to get Christo at work!

Payne Family Reunion

I think I have clarified this before, but for my newer readers....Moma was a Payne before she married. I am married to a Payne, but as far back as we know, there is no relation.Of course, I love the ancestry thing, so I realize that WAY back, there is a connection, but hey! too far to count. Anyway, this is Moma's family reunion.

Moma got up at the crack of dawn this morning. I purposely had not told her about the reunion so she wouldn't drive me crazy. But we swear she has radar, so she must have known something was up. I got her breakfast and she ate and began her usual hacking, coughing and hocking up junk. I ignored her because this is just what she does in the morning. Then she began to holler that she was bad sick and had to go to bed. I got her to her room, and she started puking. Nice visual for the a.m. I resolved that we would not be going to a reunion, and went back to lie down. Within 30 minutes, she was up, bossing and complaining. I heard her coming saying, "Where in the hell are they?" She wanted (wait on it) breakfast! I talked her out of it and offered her a banana. She ate it, very childlike, and said her head was crazy and she had to go lie down. I went ahead and sent my sister a text and said that we would probably not be at the reunion. She was carrying on like she had severe pain. I was almost fooled. I decided to go ahead and get myself ready and then try to convince her to go down there for a little while anyway. So, once I was dressed and ready, I went into her room and got out one of her new jackets and skirts. She looked up and said, "What's that for?" I told her that she could wear that to the reunion. She said, "I'm going just like I am". I nearly fainted. "You are?" She said, "Well, you're going like that, then I'm going like this" I was dressed in nice shorts. I gave in, "Okay". I grabbed the essentials and got her up. She asked, "Where are we going?" I said, "To the family reunion" She snarled her lip, "Shhiiiiit!" (nice). It took some doing but I finally got her in the car, all the time answering the same question and her response was likewise the same. We got to the venue, and the outside of it has a pavilion attached. There was a Black church having a picnic. "Good Lord! Am I related to all them niggers?" (Forgive me!) My sister met me and we threw her in the wheel chair and hustled her in the back door by the bathroom and drink machines. Of course, everyone came running to her and she was in her element. The royal smile, queenly nod of her head....it was a show to behold. These people, my relatives, have no clue what a 4 year old autistic child she is. They are talking "big talk" to her. She nods and smiles (has no clue what they said). Sherry fixed her plate and we got her settled. Now, I will be honest, she was in good company, so I left her totally in their care. I sat a mile from her and chatted with a cousin. I laughed and hugged necks and ate more than a grown woman should consume. My cousin and I critiqued the rest of the clan. It was already a full day. Sherry had Moma's food wrapped up for her "take home", but they were hollering for pictures. Moma nearly had a heart attack because I left her food on the table. I said, "My purse is there with it! It is fine!" But the whole time, she was craning her neck to see her plates (yes, with an S). After pictures, I asked her if she had enough to eat. Her response? "I haven't eaten a thing! When are we going to eat?" I laughed as a cousin walked up to her. She proceeded to tell him that I was trying to get her to leave without eating, but she wasn't going nowhere 'til they fed her. (Urge to kill) When we finally got ready to leave, she about drove me crazy about that dang food. Did I have it? Was it wrapped up? Did we leave any of it? I couldn't get her in the truck fast enough. ( I won't go into why I had to drag her 3 football fields to the truck because of Kerry's rude employee. He has NO clue that I am the first lady of Parks and Rec.) As I got into my truck, Christopher texted me to come get him at work (he has tire issues that are making me tired). So off we went. As we got close to the mall (and all the eating places), Moma requested a milkshake. So, in to Chik-Filet I pull. $5 later, we both had milkshakes (and I was already stuffed). We got to Belk's to get Christo and she kept asking stupid questions and I had a nature call. I was getting antsy, so I made Christopher drive home. MISTAKE. He made every fast turn, hit every bump, AND STOPPED AT JACKS FOR A BURGER! I ran in the house when we got home and left him to deal with her. Then I took a much needed nap. This is only Part One. Stay tuned for Part Two.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Okay, a good one

I had a friend tell me recently that I needed to post more positive things about having Moma live with me, and stop being so negative. She said people would think I was mean. Okay, so here are the Top Ten Reasons that having Moma here is a good thing:
10. My sitter washes the dishes.
9. My kids have become a little more responsible.
8. I can keep my "sweet" memories close.
7. Her vision is better than mine, and she can help find my contact when I drop it.
6. With her here, I hardly ever have to put my dogs in a crate (except at night).
5. Having her here justifies several beach trips a year.
4. Keeps me on my toes about leaving food out. (That's a reach but it's the best thing I could come up with).
3. Nobody expects much of me because "I have Moma".
2. She is the basis for most of our laughter.
1. Helps keep Kerry off my a**! (I love you honey!)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I came up stairs with her laundry in tow, when I heard, "Hey Kerry.....where's Julie?" I wanted to run, but I didn't. He said, "She is in the basement doing laundry." She said, "Well I need somebody to put something on my arm.....I fell out there". GREAT! I charged forward to check it out. She has no skin on the elbow area of her arm and the knee on the opposite side. Grr....I said, "Moma, you do not need to be out on the deck by yourself at dark. You can't see well enough at that time of day!" She said, "Well, I didn't know my head was crazy." SERIOUSLY???????????????????? All she had to do was ask. We all knew.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A day late and a dollar short

Seems like lately, I am always one step behind. My mood at the present is dark. My principal has been transferred to another school. I have a hard time with change. More than likely our assistant principal will be moved as well. This really hurts because he is one of my very best friends! What is it about change? We seem to resist it unless it was our idea (This change would NEVER have been my idea) I am a status quo person. So, I am wallowing in this.
Yesterday morning, Moma woke me up asking why I was still in the bed (@7:00).  Her next question is always "Are you sick?" I said, "no, not sick". She said, "Well I know one thing. You are heart sick because you love someone who isn't here. I understand, I've been there". WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????????????? I mean, is she forecasting the future?  Does she know something that I don't know? It made me feel all creepy inside. Any ideas?

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Moma has been on a marathon today. She just finished the 23rd mile of her EATING marathon. Every time I pass her she wants something else. Please do not be mislead to believe that she was happy with ANY of the food offered. The only thing she hasn't complained about is the banana (23rd mile) because she knows I could not have done anything to the banana. All this plus the typical complaints (Turn off that damn ceiling fan! I feel worse than an old booger man! Why can't I feed the dogs?). I'm thinking if she gets up....I may lure her to the deck and lock the door again! That's the best thing I have ever gotten over on her. And she would be fine out there. There is a roof, lights, TV and even a fan (well, she won't need the fan). I'll lock the cat out too just to keep her company. :)

Locked Out!

I forgot one little detail about yesterday's fiasco. While Sherry was here, and Moma was doing her popcorn appearances, I was so outdone with her causing me to get in and out of the pool, I locked her out on the deck. She cannot be left in the house alone unless she is in her room asleep. So, on one of her last treks out on the deck, I just went in the other door, and locked her out there.
When she got ready to go in, she was FURIOUS! But I just lied and said, "You must have locked it when you went out". LOL Don't call DHR.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

And I thought yesterday was bad

Moma woke me up with gun shot....well, it sounded like gun shot. She bangs that %$&* cane on my bedroom door every morning. This morning there was a hint more gusto to it. I shot out of bed like there was an air raid. I couldn't decide whether to go to the bathroom, let the dogs out of their crates or kill her first. She wanted diapers. She goes through them like she does napkins. I knew that she was going to be on her game today.
Sherry came up to lie in the pool awhile, and Moma was up and down, and up and down. I was dizzy with all her activity. She wasn't getting enough attention so she had to be a smart you-know-what. She wanted chocolate milk, then ice cream, then a glass of ice water. She hated her lunch. She "couldn't eat it" (who knows why). She said my tea wasn't worth a shit and she never wanted any more of it. She finally went back to bed.
When she got up again, Sherry had gone. Moma was looking everywhere. She said, "Where'd they all go?" I asked who she was referring to (for my entertainment). Her answer: "Verlon" I exploded in laughter. I said, "Who??" She said, "VERLON! That lady who was in the pool with you". Lovely. I said, "Moma, that was Sherry." She looked at me like I was crazy. Then she asked.....(wait on it) "Did they come by with my payday?" (What?) I just shook my head and said, "no". She said," Well I know I was supposed to get a payday today!"
The rest of the evening was a repeat of her popcorn appearances. I finally had to just make her mad to get her to go to bed. She told me that she thought I would be a much more loving niece than I am. HA! (Don't any of you "aunts" out there get any ideas, you are NOT living with me).

Friday, July 8, 2011


Moma is in the clouds this morning! I am sitting here listening to her tell craziness to the nurse. The nurse asked her who some of the pictures in her room were. Well, apparently my mother was her MOTHER-IN-LAW! And when the nurse asked her whose house she was in, Mildred proudly told her that her husband's people lived here. When she asked "What about Julie?" Moma said, "She may as well live here, she stays here all the time!" NICE! Who the heck am I?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Thursday Update

Two Words:
That is all....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Life wearing rubber gloves

I don't think I've mentioned lately about my germophobe thing I have going on. I won't touch the toilet or sink in MY bathroom without rubber gloves. Moma has MRSA in her urine. To me, this is defined as, on her skin, under her fingernails, on her feet, in her mouth, behind her ears, all over her scalp, and obviously, her hind quarters. I also understand that anything she touches, looks at or thinks about will have the MRSA cooties. I do not want MRSA cooties, so I wear rubber gloves when I do anything involving her or anything she has looked at lately.  My sister insists that only her urine is toxic, but no, that doesn't register in my way of thinking. I am fighting cooties every day. So if you come to my house, and I am wearing rubber gloves, don't be alarmed. I'm doing cootie warfare.

Monday, July 4, 2011


Okay, I will admit it! I have been a pool rat for about 3 days straight. No laundry, no dishes, no picking up, no straightening up, and certainly no cleaning. I  went from pajamas to bathing suit and back to pajamas several days in a row. Yes, I am a girl of summer. Had the latest book from my favorite author, had my float, my drink, and my oldies blaring on the radio. My hat was in place, my sunglasses right.....and there I was. A pool vegetable. It drove Moma crazy. She would come out on the deck and chastise me. She commanded me to get out of the pool several times, but soon learned that does not work with me. I mean, I will have to seriously work next week to make up for all the stuff I didn't do this past week. It is my little escape. And I have abused it. :)
Yesterday, the Princess was bad to the core. I caught her feeding Tubby and scolded her. As soon as I turned my back, she reached in the other pocket and fed Shula! Once again, I gave in to the rage in my head that was screaming "KILL HER!" I grabbed the napkin out of her hand, and began strip searching her for other little "treasures". She was fighting me tooth and nail. I was so mad there was no way she would win this one. I was in beast mode. She kept threatening to slap the shit out of me. Then she reached for the cane. She swung it, handle first, at my face. I felt the breeze whiz by my nose. Thank goodness Christopher stepped in and took the cane. She called me a damn bitch. I wrestled her up and literally ran her back to her room. She wanted her cane. Everything at that point is a blur. I was operating off sheer adrenalin. I had to get away from her. I went outside, and in just a minute, Kerry came out and said, "Listen to this". She was screaming and crying like a baby. I was a  wreck. I went into her room and tried to talk to her. I finally got right in her face, nose to nose. I told her that she had better listen to me and stop crying. I explained to her that if she ever chose to actually hit me, that would be the end of her living with me. I would take her to the nastiest nursing home I could find and leave her. I wouldn't tell anyone where she was either. I told her I would find one where no one would give a shit about her and she would be all alone. (I was all Godfather at this point). She started telling me she loved me and she would not ever do that again. Then she was repeating herself and I was almost out of my skin anyway. I had to walk away. I told her to sit right there until I came to get her for supper. She promised faithfully she would. HA! She was up in a minute looking for her cane. I sent her back, and she got up within 3 minutes, again, looking for that cane. Finally, I gave up and sat her at the table with me. Then she began her "Helpme" song. I just get so tired of the status quo here, I am tempted to just run.