Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!

Well, another year has come and (almost) gone. Moma has been with me for 3 years, 1 month and 19 days (and almost 45 minutes)! Ha! I do still have my sense of humor, more twisted and perverted than before, but still have it. My brain function has decreased. My senses are dulled (especially the sense of smell and my hearing by choice). My dogs are still alive, but Shula has terrible skin because she continues to feed him what he is allergic to. The cat avoids her at all costs. My house is in disarray (partly because I am a slob) because we slung things around to make her a room. I have no closet, so my shoes reside permanently on the floor by my bed. I moved my treadmill to my den so that I can have therapy any time I need it. I have almost completed a 2 week stint with her, and the sitter returns Monday. I go back to work. I love my job. I am thankful that I have a job I love. I long to hear my students yell "MiPaaaaaaayne"! I can't wait to sign my name by January 3rd......Julie Payne 7:30. Life is good!!  
Happy New Year to you and yours!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Breathing Deeply

I am back on my walking jag (treadmill only for now) so I am tolerating Mildred a little better than in past weeks. Just wanted to share a couple of funny things she did today.
I was putting up the dishes from the dishwasher. She said, "Those are my little pink saucers (they're bowls, but whatever). I said, "Yes they are!" She said, "Grace went to my house when I had to go somewhere and got some of my things to give out to her kids. 'Course, I don't care. I told her to take whatever her young'uns would have. She said she didn't get it all, just picked out a few things that she thought each one would want." Okay, Grace is her DEAD sister, and I brought the bowls home when we cleaned out her house. So, she may seem "with it" to you, but she's not really.
Later in the day, I got busy cleaning out, putting things up, and organizing. I have a pile of boxes, envelopes, and packing that I use for my "part time" ebay business. She said, "You gon throw those boxes away?" I told her that I was keeping them. (This is the abridged version because she drove me insane trying to help  me). When I came up the basement steps after I thought she had gone to bed, I saw her scoot out of the study where the boxes were. I walked into her room to find her hiding the shoe boxes under a pillow. I reached for them, and she said, "Please let me have those!" I asked why, and her response was, "I'm gonna check 'em out and see (mumble mumble) and put some stuff in them!" LORD! She makes me crazy being so greedy!
I said, "Okay you can have them, but STAY OUT OF MY THINGS!!!" She looked up so innocently and said, "Well honey, I don't bother your things". Sigh....................

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

MuMoma Ali

I left for 2 hours. Left my son in charge of Moma. Got a phone call. She punched Rebekah in the face (yes, with her fist) for calling me to tell on her.
It seems Moma wanted to save the scraps of her sandwich in a napkin. Christopher argued that she could not do that. Rebekah snuck up behind her and and snatched them away. That started the battle. She called Bek a bitch, and said she'd knock the shit out of her, and so on. She got so belligerent that she attempted to swing her cane at Rebekah. Rebekah took it from her. She fake cried. Rebekah picked up the phone to call me, and she got sucker punched. The battle raged on for 30 minutes. What was my son doing? Yes, the one I left in charge? Oh, he was laughing like a hyena.
I am growing 2 years older every week with this little princess. Maybe when I go back to school, and her routine returns, she will settle down. She better.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Lowlife Puke

Moma is in rare form. I hate her. These are just a few of the lovely things she has said today:

  • "I think I'll get me an old man and marry 'im. Reckon I could?"
  • (to the nurse) "Hey, when you come back, bring me a BIIIIIG box of Kleenex. I've asked and asked and nobody here will get me any. 'Course, they don't pay no 'tanechun (attention) to anything I say" 
  • "Julie, did you ever get me any dry panties? (After I retrieve them.....I guess I sighed...) Lowlife Puke! They don't cost you nothing!"
  • "Julie.....com'ere! Look at that tree. I has one big part at the bottom, but it branches off into 3 parts, like 3 trees! I ain't never seen one like that....have you?"
  • "When you go to the store, get us some Kleenex! And don't just get one little box! Get me a biiiiiiiiiiiig box to go in my room! (pause) Get one to go up here in the kitchen too! (because I want you blowing your nose in my kitchen?) Hey....get us one for down there (my den) too! Here?"
  • "I wish if it was gonna snow, it'd snow them big pretty flakes, not that fine little mist like it's a doing now. (not snowing or raining) And I don't want just a little, I want it to snow a LOT! (I reminded her that it had snowed 3 inches here) When? (I told her) How do YOU know?"
  • "Hey....I been intendin' to ask you....what kin are you to me?" (great) 
  • (looking at my '11 calendar where I marked her 98th birthday) "Two more years and I'll make it!" 
If I can trick someone into watching her, I'm going to my office and sit in silence.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Just plain HATEFUL!

Today has been exasperating! As usual for the day after Christmas, it is my goal to remove everything Christmas from my sight. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a Scrooge, but I have one more week of Christmas vacation, and I want to enjoy it to the fullest! So, as I moved about the house working, Moma was on my heels talking. "Julie, you ought to pick that up. Somebody might step on it". "Hey, com'ere.....look it's snowing again". She wanted me to stop taking the tree down and go retrieve an umbrella that had blown off the step onto the patio. "It'll blow away! Reckon I can get it? JULIE.....it's a filling up with snow!!!" Long story short, she's bossed and yakked all day without a break.
Rebekah came in from her trip to Birmingham sick. She had been texting me, so I knew what to expect. Moma said, "What's wrong with her?" I told her that she was sick. I got up and made her a bed on the den sofa. Moma came in the room and said, "You put her in MY place". I said, "Moma! She is sick. You can sit in the chair." She mumbled, "If she's sick she needs to stay in the bed!" And then she staggered off to bed. Ugh.....the life of a princess must be tough.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas 2010

Picture it. A warm fire, snowflakes falling big and soft, a friendly old tree decorated by all the ornaments my kids made and the ones I bought for them along with all the "teacher" ones I have received, hubby in his recliner and Moma on the sofa babbling like a precocious 4 year old. "Praise the Lord for the snow! Thank you Jesus!! Thank you Thank you!! Merry Christmas......Julie, I ain't never seen snow on Christmas day! Have you? This makes Christmas perfect! PERFECT! Thank you Jesus!!! Merry Merry Christmas.....(cough, hack, cough, hack, spit.....cough more, hack more, spit.....) Ain't we got no Kleenex?? I wish we had some? Ain't you got none in that cabinet?" Then she got on opening presents and when were we going to eat, and where were my kids.......Sigh....She bossed ("Let that dog out" "Get me some water" GET US SOME KLEENEX"), she hacked and spit, and she carried on like a child. But oh, what an improvement that was over what she did at my in-laws last night.
We arrived there first...and we are NEVER first. Kerry asked his mother where everybody was, and her response was that the other family members could not possibly be there before 5. He asked why she didn't tell us, that we had been rushing around...she said she had been rushing around too. So Moma began her rifling through all the candy dishes and trays, wrapping up candy and nuts in a napkin for her "stash". As we began fixing plates, I went to get Moma settled so I could fix her plate, and she pitched a fit because I had her sit in an odd chair pulled in to accommodate the crowd. She said, "I ain't settin' in that little chair..." I pushed her into the chair (before I killed her) She turned to me and said, "I don't need your help" I walked away....because that was a much better thing to do rather than smashing her face into the table.  I fixed her plate, and as usual, it did not have everything on it she wanted. I ignored her rather than throwing food at her. I sat her in between my in-laws as usual, so they can deal with her bossing and asking stupid questions. She wanted a bite of everything on the (hated) candy trays, and the cakes, and the pies....She's like a goldfish. You can feed her until she explodes. FINALLY, the opening of the presents began. Like always, we let the kids open first, then the adults move into the living room to open theirs. She had a tiny gift bag with socks in it, and of course, we all had several gifts to open. As suddenly as a car horn, she made this proclamation. "I want all of you to know that I appreciate ALL that you gave ME. And I hope YOU ALL got just what YOU WANTED!" It was so sarcastic, it dripped out of the smirk on her face. Rebekah and I immediately said, "MOMA!!" She would not shut-up. "Well, I want y'all to know....." We interrupted her with "SHUT UP". I was so embarrassed. My mother-in-law said, "Didn't she get her gifts?" As it turned out, one had been missed. They gave it to her, and yet she still rambled. "Don't I have a right to speak?" Kerry told her "NO!" and to shut-up. "They just don't want me talking" she said to my mother-in-law. OMG! I wanted to die. She has made her last trip to their house if I have a say in it.  She has totally sucked the JOY out of my Christmas. I can't wait to get the tree down.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I love Christmas

Christmas is one of those holidays that can bring out joy and sadness all at once. I just think it heightens all our senses. We see or hear about a sad situation and we want to rush to our banks or grocery stores and "fix" the problem. Christmas brings out the good in most people. There is a sweetness in the air. We love each other a little more than any other time of the year. Good will is at an all time high. We see things through the lens of mercy and grace, not me and mine. It is the one time of year when 95% of people (hey, I am optimistic) are thinking of someone else, instead of themselves. We remember loved ones who have gone on and our hearts are full. It truly is "the most wonderful time of the year". Well, unless Moma lives with you.
She has sucked out most of my Christmas joy this year with her rambling and nosing. You can depend on her hoarding food in her pockets at EVERY meal. She has broken ornaments, taken gifts out of gift bags, rearranged the gifts under the tree so that ALL the bows are smashed, opened candy that is NOT hers and anything on the counter that I intended to cook with is now opened (chocolate chips, pretzels, etc.) She rambles through every bag brought into the house. She asks the same questions about Christmas every day. "You gon have a big Christmas? It's just another day with me...." "Julie! Did you know that Christmas is _____?" "You gon cook Christmas dinner?" "Where y'all gon have Christmas dinner?" On and on and on....until I want to make huge signs to hang all over my house to answer those same questions! We had Christmas with my sister's family Saturday night and by Sunday, she had forgotten completely. SHE HAS GIFTS IN HER ROOM!!! I want to say how sweet it is to have her still with me at 97, and I want to do memorable things with her, and I really should like her, especially at this time of year, but I'll have to pass on all that because as stressful as this season is, she has sucked out all my joy and most of my life. Sigh....
On a funny note.....
My friend, Kelli, and I went shopping for Moma for Christmas. I was determined not to buy her the proverbial robe and gown. She needs clothes. We found great deals in the Petite Dept. at Belk's in the Gadsden Mall (Thanks Pam Washington). I bought her 4 jackets that she can wear with a few of her skirts that we don't have to pin up, and a new suit! I spent almost $100 but she needed them, and I knew she'd be thrilled. As we were getting in the car to leave, (if you know me, you know what to expect...) I said, "She better not die until she wears all of this at least once!" lol Not really mean, just  my sick sense of humor!
Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Gimme a cookie

Moma has been a real monster for the last 48 hours. I mean, hateful, spiteful, argumentative, mean and nasty. Yesterday, I thought I could change her mood by giving her a cookie and some milk. She proceeded to feed it to the dog right in front of me. Needless to say, I blessed her out and sent her to her room. She called me a "damn liar" and stomped off mumbling under her breath. Within an hour, she was back, asking for a cookie. I told her "no" and gave her a glass of tea. After a rather heated discussion about how she won't mind and stop feeding the dogs, and how I'd let her have all the candy she wanted if she would, she continued calling me a "damn liar" and mocking me. She covered her ears and screamed "Shut-up!" over and over. I turned away from her a minute and when I turned back around she tossed a quarter at me and said, "Here! Gimme a cookie!" I did not care for her at that moment. Today has been no better. Ugh.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Poor Little Kerry

Every year on Thanksgiving, we say good-bye to Kerry because he begins working every night (well...almost) at Christmas at the Falls. Now, it is truly beautiful, and we know someone has to run it, but we (I) do miss him; HOWEVER Moma has totally gone overboard with it.
"Well, I feel sorry for Poor Little Kerry"
"I know he gets cold up there. Has he got a big overcoat?"
"Julie, what time will Kerry come home tonight?"
"Has he got to work again tonight? Bless his heart"
"Don't he get to come home for supper? Will he eat up there? I know they've got 2 or 3 good restaurants up there." (Really? Seriously?)
"He has the same job Milton had" (Ugh, no he does not. PawPaw was the gardener up there!)
Yes, I miss my sweetie during December, but this year, she is making me sick of hearing about "Poor Little Kerry" and his misery at the falls. Poor Little Kerry is leaving me at home with Crazy Little Moma.....now who do YOU feel sorry for?

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Exciting News! I am going to Glendale for the BCS Bowl. Now, I have to keep Moma alive until then. LOL Just kidding people..........................

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

This and That

Tuesday I left Moma in the capable hands of Kerry Payne and when I returned, her phone was missing. Kerry said she came to him and said that she couldn't find her phone. He said, "You don't have one" and she assured him that she had a little phone. Hmmm.....Let me check that AT&T bill.

She went to the beauty shop today thinking she was getting a perm. I instructed Connie to let her ONLY get a haircut as we can't afford a $72 perm right now (because she insists that she is buying some Christmas presents),  but when I got home she told me how much better she felt since Dinah gave her a "perm'nt" and didn't she do a good job? (She got NO perm) lol Okay....I like it! Since the princess was dressed up with a new "do", I took her out to eat and to church for Hanging of the Green. She talked out loud like I knew she would. The best things she said was "I ain't standing up again" (for hymn sing) and "Who's a doing all that talking?" (during testimonies) and loudly proclaiming "WELL I CAN'T HEAR NOTHING HE'S A SAYING!" (the pastor's narration of the Christmas story). Precious. But Praise God, she is worn out, in the bed and snoring like a big dog.