I gave up on the one from Christmas Eve....it was priceless, so I hate you are missing that. But, here she is trying to be cute and nice after telling Rebekah and me to "ram it up our asses". She wants the in-laws to think she is a precious princess. I was not amused nor entertained.

Not a good day

Moma has not felt good today at all. She can't tell me exactly what is wrong, but she has not been her usual "precious" self. So I am again going to try to upload that Christmas video for you. Be sure to listen at the end!

Well, shoot! Won't let me do it at all!!!! Grrrr......I'll be back.

Video Clips

Sorry it took so long to update about Christmas, but she is not easy to work with! :) This video was made at my mother-in-law's home Christmas Eve. I put Moma in front of the TV with that tray to hopefully get her out of the general family population. You never know what she might say. I kept thinking if she didn't keep her feet still, she would topple this little tray.

Where do I begin?

To say that Moma was bad this Christmas is an understatement. I posted on Facebook that some Christmases are by far better than others, but this would not be one of those. She has worked every nerve in my being. She has had every emotion and attitude possible. That may be the best way to begin.

Pity Party:
She began throwing her own pity party about a week before Christmas. "You gone have a big Christmas?" she would ask anyone who would listen. No matter their answer, she would respond with her nonsense about not having Christmas at all. She didn't have "no money" to buy anyone anything. (I bought gifts from her to everyone this year, wrapped them and handed them out. She bought gifts.) Because of her, I was in the midst of my own pity party but she kept crashing my party with hers. Please don't take this lightly. This was an everyday, every hour conversation. She also whined about wishing somebody loved her. She was not referring to us. She wants a MAN. She told me so.

Confusion:
"Hey Lady......"
"What day is this? (the answer) Whaaaaaaaaat???"
"Can I get something to eat? I haven't had anything to eat all day." (only 6 meals a day + snacks)
The nurse asked her what her father's name was. Her answer? "Jack" The truth? Cicero
"I can't find my teeth" (They are in your pocket, and why are you taking them out?)
"When is Christmas?"
"When was Christmas?" I said, "yesterday". "Yesterday? Well, I didn't know it! That's a fine way to represent Jesus' birthday! I didn't even get no presents". (because that honors Jesus)
"Why can't I feed this to the dog?"
"Julie, did you ever marry?"

Bossiness:
She  has told me how to do everything I have attempted in front of her. She is an expert on cooking, wrapping gifts, tying bows, (you already know she is a Christmas tree expert), cleaning house, YOU NAME IT!

Crabbiness:
I already reported her complaining about Joe and Wanda not putting money in her Christmas card.
She has not had any food worth eating.
We "hannel" her too rough. (if she only knew....)
She is freezing to death.
I had to fight her at the table Christmas night over my mother-in-law's white cranberry-walnut fudge.
She told Rebekah and me to cram it up our asses (in front of the whole family). Kerry intervened.

And to be disgusting for just a moment, she has wet her bed for an all time winning streak. I cannot tell you how many times we have changed her bed and her clothes. I cannot keep up with the laundry. Our clothes never get washed because I am constantly doing her laundry. Kerry is about to fire me as his wife because he needs colored socks (and has for weeks), but I am washing her clothes so much that I don't even care if our clothes get washed. AND the really precious thing is you have to run her clothes through the wash twice because the smell is so pungent that one wash doesn't get rid of it. How disgusting is that? I am almost done. She is going to outlive me.

Picture it!

I sound like Sophia on Golden Girls. But seriously, Picture it! Thursday morning on Lookout Mountain...got things to do and places to go. Alas, life has other ideas in mind. Hubby in the bed with throw-up virus (Yes, Kerry it is a virus, not food poisoning! Food poisoning doesn't last that long) I have a dentist appointment and Rebekah, the sleeper, is going to get up and watch Mildred. I bounce down the stairs to retrieve my clothes (because I have no closet, I use the laundry room....gave Millie my closet 4 years ago). I'm in a fairly good mood. Gonna pull out of this slump and get in the Christmas spirit! As I get to the top of the stairs, I see that Mildred is sitting up in her chair. All the bed clothes are in the floor. The smell knocks me to my knees. "Hey! I need some panties....." The urge to kill her is so strong. I resist. I go on and finish getting dressed to allow my blood pressure to stabilize. Then, I go into her room and glove up. I get a white trash bag and remove all the offensive smelly items. I put them in the bag which I toss onto the front porch. I get her up and make her wipe off, put on a clean diaper and gown. I get her a clean housecoat. I go promptly to the phone and cancel my dentist appointment. It is going to be a long day.
She wet the bed again later in the day. I wanted to make her sit in it, but thought better of it since the smell is so pungent I knew I could not stand it. I changed her bed, cleaned her up (liking her less and less), and went back to the holiday cooking that I normally LOVE to do (today, I don't). I don't like sick people or old people....how did I get myself into this?
Finally, just to make the day a totally precious hot mess, I gave Mildred a Christmas card that had come for her. She opened it. It was from sweet neighbors who were also great friends. She looked at it and said, "They could've sent me some money!" and tossed it on the table dismissing its sentiment.  She is the Grinch and I am Ebeneezer. Let's get 'er done and move on.

Sick little lady....

Moma is so sick with the crud, I thought I'd just share another one of her Christmas pictures, since there is really nothing to report!

Merry Christmas from the Paynes and Mildred!

Paranoia will destroya

Moma has developed a nasty cold. She is very hoarse and coughs a good bit. I hate to think she may get pneumonia or the flu again. She sounds very grouchy with her raspy voice, even if she isn't.
Last night I had to wake her up to eat supper. She came to the supper table very confused and out of it. She took note of the clothes I had hanging on the doorway drying. (Now, these were Rebekah's clothes; clothes for a YOUNG person). Moma said, "Is that my black blouse?" I shook my head. She repeated it louder. "IS THAT MY BLACK BLOUSE?" I said, "No! It is Rebekah's". She looked bewildered. "Rebekah's?" I nodded my head. "WELL WHAT HAVE I GOT?" she blurted out in her little squawky voice. When I asked her what did she mean, she responded, "Well I ain't got nothing!" I politely told her that I had washed Rebekah's things and was drying them in the doorway because I don't put them in the dryer. She still didn't understand, but she accepted it. Then, she said, "Who is going to sleep with me tonight?" I went through the whole conversation about her having her own room at my house and everyone having their own bed. She said, "Well, who has my money?"  (ugh, I hate this conversation) Again, I reminded her that her check goes straight to the bank and that we have to write checks when we need to pay for something (she is not ready for the debit card theory). She said, smirking, "Well, I need me some money. It's Christmas, and I like to have a little money". I told her that I understood but reminded her that I had purchased all the gifts from her, wrapped them, and we gave them out last weekend at our family Christmas party. She then smirked again, and said (in her most sarcastic voice) "Well I didn't get a DAMN thing!" I began listing the things she got. "Well, where are they?" This went on for quite some time. I was getting worn out just listening to her. But when she began to complain about how bad she felt, I pushed her medicine cup at her and said, "Take your medicine and go lie down if you feel bad". She jerked her head up and said, " You only want me to take all that mess 'cause you hope it'll kill me!" (WHAT?) I argued with her that I didn't want to kill her, if I did, I would have already. I told her that I really didn't care if she ever took another pill, that was up to her. Then, she did a reverse on me....."You don't want me to take it because I'll keep living!" (again, WHAT?) Good Lord! I told her that was not true and I only wanted her to take her medicine because that is what the doctor ordered her, but she could decide that. She said, "Tell me you want me to live......" I said, "Moma! I want you to live BUT if you don't trust me to give you the right medicine, then I don't want you to take it! Now, take it or don't, I'm through with this conversation!" She took it. I knew she would. She started back to her room and I made the mistake of offering her cough medicine. She screamed "NONONONONONONO!!! I'm going to bed!" Does she not  think that I am smart enough to know other ways if I really wanted her gone?? lol If it didn't wear me out arguing with her, I'd laugh.

Merry Christmas!

She is singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"!! What a character!!! Today....I love her!

Grrrrrrr.................

Got so much to do! Family party at my house Saturday night. Have no freedom to do the things I need to do to get ready. Does anybody care? Apparently, only me.
Today, I decided when I got home that the princess could just bundle up and ride with me to do  my errands. Today she decided that she cannot put on shoes over her sleep socks. Today she decided to be stupid. How bad does my life suck? B.A.D.

Martha's grouchy older sister

Have you met Martha Stewart's grouchy older sister? Mildred has been passing out advice like Martha does on her show, only it's NOT a good thing. She knows where best to place the tree. Because my dear sweet husband chose to redo our floor right here at Christmas, I figured we would just put the tree up in the living room, and not have one in the den, and since we gave our big tree to the Christmas light display at Noccalula Falls, I only have the pencil tree that I  normally put my mother's ornaments on in our living room. AND since Mildred has broken so many of my mother's ornaments, I bought cheap ugly ornaments from Dollar General for that tree. So anyway, I was getting the tree up when Mildred woke up from her catnap (She would not stay in the bed yesterday). She sat back and watched for a minute, and I knew it was coming....she began to offer her assistance. "Julie, why you gone hide that tree in that co-ner? Put it in front of the winder so people can see it!" I ignored her for a few minutes but when she began to scream at me, it was impossible to keep that up. I said, "I like it here because it is the first thing you see when you come in the door, and you can see it from the dining room windows at night". "Awwww. shit! You're too damn lazy to move the furniture, that's it" I kept doing my thing. Then she began to stiffen up like a 4 year old on the verge of a tantrum and then I heard "PUT IT BY THE WIIIIIIINNNNNNDDDDDDEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" She held it our for so long, I thought she might pass out. So, in my most adult way, I looked at her and said, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was a good thing.

Disgusting

Okay friends, this post is disgusting.....just warning you!

Moma has peed on everything in my house. It's like having a new puppy. She pees on everything she sits on, she pees in the floor while standing up, she has even peed on my deck (Yes, she pulled up her gown and let 'er rip!). It is disgusting. My kids are complaining about sitting in wet chairs, and the smell! It's not like I can rub her nose in it and smack her with a rolled up newspaper, but trust me, I WANT TO!
Just now, she pulled off her wet diaper in my living room, and yelled at me to bring her some dry pants and a dry gown. She had chunked the wet diaper across the room and laid the wet gown on the other end of the couch (to spread the love). She was yelling "I ain't got on no pants!!!" like a proud peacock. My house reeks of urine and just plain nasty. I don't even have a desire to decorate my house for Christmas. (I did attempt to put up a smaller tree in my living room today, but that was a disaster. More to come on that)
So, if you love me, roll up a newspaper and come smack Mildred's nose, then....TAKE HER OUT!