Friday, July 31, 2009

Shet up

Tonight, Kerry and I managed to slip away to one of our favorite haunts, Pasquales! When we came home, we brought Bek a sandwich because Mildred had a stinking fit for various things from the groceries I was unpacking just before we left. She had a fiber one bar and a bottle of Carnation instant breakfast (which is a meal in itself!) and she had JUST eaten some snack mix. So, we didn't bring her anything (mainly because there was really nothing there she would eat). So, when we came in with Bek's sandwich, she started her usual. "Did y'all bring us something good to eat?" Kerry said, "NOPE, you've already eaten!" She said, "What?" in that total shocked voice. He boomed it back at her, to which she replied, "Shet-up". I fixed the princess a bowl of ice cream. She was happy.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A new twist

Today I turned something over to Moma. She was standing over me, telling me that I wasn't snapping the beans right. I was leaving too much "goody", whatever that means. I said, "Do you want to do this?" To my surprise, she started snapping beans. Honey...I let her have it! I thought, have at it sister! So, I started cutting okra (yes, fresh veggies from Kerry's parents' garden! YUM). As soon as she finished the beans, she started, "Do you want me to do that?" I told her no that I had it, but she wouldn't let it go. I finally gave her the knife, washed my hands and walked out. lol Now if I could just get her to shuck the corn......

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Good Girl

Moma has been an extremely good girl today....what's up with that?

Monday, July 27, 2009

This is wrong on all counts....but so funny!

In case you never PLAY online, go to www.yearbookyourself.com and have a ball! I did, at Moma's expense. lol, but what the hey....she will never know! It actually looks REAL!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Wear my shoes....I dare you!

I am so blind with rage right now that I should not even attempt to write a post. I am going to regret this I am afraid. But here goes....
As you all know, Saturdays are not my favorite because they find me at home with the princess and the two children I have raised to have no compassion or responsibility about them, who sleep until mid-afternoon. And of course, Kerry plays golf on the weekend like it is a second job. (Don't be mad honey, the truth hurts. I'm not mad at you). Anyway, I digress.....
I remembered a conversation between myself and Carl Hunter last night at his birthday supper concerning my A/C at school. "Payne, did you turn off the a/c?" "Uh, no, did you?" Yikes! The energy czar will visit this weekend for sure! So, I knew that I had to go take care of that today, plus it isn't working right, and I don't want to be the cause of us having school in a church building because I burned the school down. I patiently waited on one of the royal subjects to awake. The youngest one did, but had plans (how unusual). I figured the older one owes me more anyway, so I waited for him. As soon as he awoke and got settled, I asked him if he would stand watch while I ran over to take care of that. (Note to self: make sure son knows what I mean when I ask him to watch her)
Obviously while I was gone, the princess awoke and decided that she needed to eat her a snack. Well, of course because all she does is sleep, eat and make stinky. I returned to him screeching at her "What are you doing now?" She was obviously eating watermelon that he had scooped up off the floor. WHAT? MY WATERMELON I JUST CUT THIS MORNING?? MY HUGE WATERMELON FROM JOHNSON'S THAT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOO SWEET????? I lost it. I had filled a large Tupperware cake taker (upside down of course) with cut watermelon. AS I walked hurriedly into the kitchen, there was my son mopping up watermelon and seeds and juice with bath towels. AAAAIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYCk!! I lost it! I said bad words (BAD ONES), and threw things! I told him to "GET OUT OF HERE" and her to "GET OUT OF MY WAY". Then I proceeded to be like my mother, the martyr and fuss and cuss while I cleaned up the mess. She kept meandering around. Finally, after I came in from hosing down the deck, the patio and me, I was a bit calmer. She said, "Wonder where he went?" I said, "Who cares? What difference does it make?" She said, "Well, I thought he might have gone after us another watermelon!"
I FREAKING GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Quick Post

Just a quickie, then I have to get hopping! Last night about 10:30, Moma got up. We heard her in the kitchen, but the lights were out. Kerry muted the TV so we could hear her. I finally got up and there she stood with a handful and a MOUTH FULL of dog treats (PupCorn). She was hungry. Good Lord!! Do you see why she cannot be left alone????? I got her milk and cookies (oatmeal raisin, not MilkBones). Augh!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


According to the sitter, Moma was in a much better mood today. According to me, she was about the same! When I got home this afternoon from Wal-Mart, I was unloading my bags at the table. My dogs always go nuts when I come in with bags, because like children they expect a prize. As I was getting their prizes out, Moma was really enjoying watching them. She said, "Boy they love getting candy!" They got their treats and went on their merry ways, and I returned to unloading my bags. She leaned over to look into one of the bags and said, "Did you get me any candy?" Out of the mouths of babes.....

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mean, Mean, Mean

Remember that girl on Days of our Lives, who was Kristin's(?)sister, who said, "You are mean mean mean!"? She is speaking of Moma today. OOOOOHHHH, she was hateful today. She has said, "Shut-up" to anyone who crossed her, called me a smart ass, told the sitter that she better shut-up and leave her alone, and jumped at her like she was about to hit her! Tonight, she told Kerry to shut-up, and argued with him about everything from feeding the dogs to cooking. She stayed on my back about putting the supper leftovers in the refrigerator. I am hoping that tomorrow she wakes up on the RIGHT side of the bed!

Monday, July 20, 2009

GET ME SOME ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 10:30 pm. The house is dark. Moma just opened her door and saw Rebekah passing by, and screamed "GET ME SOME ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I had to get up and blog this! I guess I am more like her than I thought! All aboard that ice cream train!!!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Kerry says I am writing too much these days, so I apologize for the recent long posts. Once it starts flowing, I just let it flow. There are so many more things about Saturday that I could share, but I won't because, frankly, I have said enough! lol

Finally! The Family Reunion

This is a picture of Moma complaining that she cannot hear what he is saying! Note how close she is to him!!! And my cousins honoring her as the last living child of Minnie Lou and Cicero Jackson Payne.

Moma's little feet hit the floor Saturday morning at 6:14. She was excited about the family reunion. Personally, I wanted to sleep until at least 7:30. But at this age in my life (ugh), once I'm awake, I may as well get up. I got busy fixing her breakfast after begging her, unsuccessfully, to go back to bed. She ate breakfast asking a million questions about the reunion. As she got closer to being finished, she started that performance of how bad she feels. Then, without warning, got up suddenly and said, kind of out of breath, "I've got to go lay down". I cleaned up the breakfast mess and began getting my food ready for the big day. In just a little bit, I thought I heard the click of her cane. Surely not, I thought. But sure enough, there she stood in the doorway of the kitchen FULLY DRESSED and ready to roll at 7:53. She said, "Do I look alright?" "What time do we leave?" (Which was asked over and over ad nauseum). She finally decided to leave me alone and go read the paper in the den, where thankfully she fell asleep in the recliner. The house was quiet and I let her sleep!
At 10:00, she came into the kitchen, completely put out and said, "LET'S GO!!!!" She has never been a good waiter! (Me neither) I told her it wouldn't be long, that she needed to go comb through her hair, and get her some diapers and do whatever it is she does before we can ever leave. I loaded the food into the car, took the dogs out, locked up all the doors, and was ready to go. I called to her. "WAIT A MINUTE! Don't rush me, I've got to pee" (ugh) She has rushed me all morning and while I was getting ready why had she not taken care of her bathroom needs? We left the house at 10:48 to go 4 blocks to the Kiwanis Pavilion at the Falls, a 4 minute trip. I drove all the way up to the place to let her out. Cousins met us and took my food and were welcoming her and loving on her. Okay, I thought, she is in her glory! I was going to move the car, but she wouldn't let them take her in. She was going to wait on me. It was as if she wanted them to think she was capable of being alone and doing anything she wanted to. No one was going to tell her what to do. I made her go in with the cousin while I moved the truck. Now my plan all along was to lose her once inside, you know, let her be petted and pampered by all the family. She stuck to me like white on rice. Her nephew kept trying to get her to sit down. She finally pulled out a chair and put her purse in it. He picked up her purse and put it on the table and said, "Aunt Mildred, sit down". She slammed the chair up to the table and spun around and clicked that cane and said, "I ain't a sitting down until I get ready! I don't want to sit down!!!" Good Lord, I thought. I said, "Moma, please don't be ugly. He is just looking out for you." She said, "I'll sit down when you do" so I sat. My plans to ditch her were not going to happen. As we sat there, people were coming up to her by the dozens. "Aunt Mildred, I'm so glad you came" "You have made our day" "Do you remember me?" All these sweet sentiments were dismissed with a face and a raspberry as they left. I leaned in to her and said, "Do not start acting ugly! These people are so happy to see you, be nice!" She snarled at me. Then the program began. My cousin, Terry, who was in charge this year, spoke. He did the usual thanking different people for their contributions, when Moma turned to me and said, "CAN YOU HEAR HIM? I CAN'T HEAR A THING HE IS SAYING!!!!" "Shhhhhhh" I motioned her to hush. Then they called her up to honor her, and kind of give the history of the family. Then, when she sat down, it was time to bless the food. Something just told me to look up and there she sat looking over the room really good while Linda prayed. I punched her and whispered,"We're praying!" She said, "Well, I ain't talking!" "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!Bow your head!" Like raising Rebekah in church all over again.
I wish I could give you a visual of the next part of the day because it was like a Chinet commercial. I decided to let her go through the line since I can never please her. I put her in front of me in line. She snatched a handful of Styrofoam trays and started passing them back in line (instead of letting people get their own). Then, she loaded that plate down until the sides were bending down and I just knew it would snap in the middle! "What's that?" "Who made that?" "Get me some of that" It was awful! GREEDY GREEDY!!! My mother would absolutely die. She got some of everything, and if I dipped it, she'd re-dip it because I didn't get her enough. At the end of the line, she turned to the dessert table. I said, "Let's go put our plates down and I'll get us a drink". She said, almost panicky, "I ain't got no dessert yet!!" I turned to my sister and said, "This may be her last reunion because I may kill her!" She had somebody helping her get her dessert, until I took over after putting her plate on the table. She only wanted ONE OF EVERYTHING, but I only let her have a few things. As soon as we sat down, she declared that she had to use the bathroom! Well of course!!! My sister came to her rescue as I had plans to take her to the bathroom and lock her in. Back at the table, she busied herself moving food around. She wrapped up the 6 pieces of chicken she hoarded and put them in her purse. You would think she was going home to feed a family out of her purse. She ate MAYBE 5 or 6 bites. Then she announced to the table, "Well some of this stuff ain't good". I was begging the floor to swallow me when my cousin said, "Just let her say what she wants to, it won't matter". She belched, she sighed, she hiccuped, then she started that infernal coughing. And nothing will do until she hacks up a lung into a tissue.
After lunch, as many were packing up their things, several wanted pictures with her. She acted so silly about that. She would not get out of her chair (you know the one she didn't want to sit in!). She told one cousin that she lived with Ruby, her daughter-in-law. Then another group she told to come see her, that she stayed with "this ole girl" (me) most of the time. MOST??? I'd like to know where she is the other time! I demand equal time!!!!!!!!! Then after I hoisted her into the truck and got in, as we backed out, she said, "I guess I didn't have anyone there at the reunion from my bunch". Great, what does that make me?
I did enjoy seeing my cousins that I never get to see and missed the ones who weren't there. Most of all, I miss the family members who are in Heaven today.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Temporarily coming apart

I am having a temporary come apart! Those who know me well, know that my bath is a SACRED thing that is not to be disturbed or rushed. I do not take it lightly. My best thinking, praying, and relaxing happen in that ugly green 1960's bathtub. So, I don't think I can do the family reunion justice at this time. My blood pressure is stroke level, and my carotid arteries ache. Quick explanation: I was getting my bath water ready when I heard her door open. She came in and said, "Julie.....Julie! Did I tell you to buy me some candy?" Then she went into this long drawn out explanation about her wanting me to buy her Hershey's kisses, but she had to describe them in great detail(because I've never consumed an entire bag). Then she asked if I was about to take my bath. I told her that I was IF she was going back to her room. She assured me she was. I said, "Please stay in there until I get out, okay?" She nodded and headed out of my bathroom. I had no sooner laid down in the perfect temperature water, when I heard her door open. Expecting her to come in, I sat up, but.....NO! She was going down the hall. Covered in rage, I got out of the bath tub, put on my robe and flip flops, stormed to the kitchen where she was rambling through everything in my refrigerator. I got her what she wanted, scolded her and got her back to her room. Ahhhhh....back to my bath. About mid-soaping, I heard her door open again...NO NO NO!!!! Off she went down the hall. I pulled every muscle in my neck getting out of that tub in record speed. I said, "NOW WHAT?????" dripping water all over my floor. She was hunting her clock. AAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! At that very moment, I wanted to rip her little head off and stuff it in a kleenex box! I finished my bath with the door open and a nasty little threat tossed her way.
So, the family reunion post may wait until tomorrow or maybe I'll eat some ice cream and feel better. Wonder what kind we have?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Today's report

Moma was good today (not great, but good for her)!
That is all......

Tomorrow is the family reunion!!! Be ready for some good stuff (I kinda hope she acts up bad! lol) There is something so wrong about that.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Another Test

(Note to my new followers: Pssstttt! If you leave comments, you are just encouraging me to show out, so....do what you gotta do! lol)

Last night when I got home from my 3 mile walk (and partial run! yes!), Kerry said that Moma was in the bed and had not eaten any supper. I figured she'd get up when she realized that I was at home, but she never did. I couldn't believe it! So, this morning, I turned on the baby monitor to make sure she was breathing (seriously). It was quiet, so I went to her room and carefully opened her door (@ 7:20), and she was very still, but breathing. I let her sleep until about 9ish. I fixed her breakfast and went to get her up. When she came to the table, she was very groggy and kept squeezing her eyes shut, like she was in pain. I asked her if she was okay, she kept saying she was, but she was acting so weird. She finally got up and said, "I've got to go lay down". I had to help her get up, and watched her down the hall as she was having a really hard time walking.
She got up around 10:35 with a BANG! She was very spry, very mouthy, and completely obnoxious! Remember the nursery rhyme "Mary Mary Quite Contrary"? The only reason they used Mary is because MILDRED doesn't rhyme with contrary! OH MY GOSH SHE WAS AWFUL! Her sitter (who is off this week) came by to see her, and bring her a bottle of lotion. Moma would not get up when I went to her room and told her she had company. Sue went down to her room and talked with her a few minutes, but said, "Come down here in the den so we can visit". I told her to just leave her room or Moma would never get up. So we walked back toward the kitchen and landed there. I heard Moma mutter "shit" under her breath (through the baby monitor). When she managed to get herself up and down there, Sue had our black dog, Tubby in her lap. Moma said to the dog, "She didn't come to see you!" We laughed, and then she looked at Sue and said, "Who'd you come to see, me or her?" I said, "MOMA!!" But Sue handles her so well, she told her that she came to see all of us. Then, Moma sashayed into the den where Rebekah was on the couch asleep. Moma came back into the kitchen and barked, "She needs to get her tail up and go back to her room, if she is going to sleep!" I said, "Okay" trying to poopoo it away because I knew she was just showing out. Then, she said it again even louder. I said, "Hush! This is her house too, and she is not hurting you. You are just being ugly". She snarled her lip at me and said, "I don't care whose house this is, she orta get up from there!" Sue finally changed the subject to get her mind on something else.
When Sue left, I got busy getting her lunch ready before she had a chance to ask. When she came in the kitchen, she said, "What is that you're fixing?" I said, "leftovers from your lunch yesterday" (remember the god forsaken box she had to have?). She said, "Why ain't you eating it?" I said, "Well, I ate mine yesterday. I don't want yours". She muttered, "What if I don't want it?" I ignored her. While she was sitting down, I went about putting the dogs into the den to keep her from giving it all to them. She growled and fussed about the whole plate. The steak was too tough, and I tried to remind her that it is usually so tender, but it was tough yesterday. "Eat the potatoes" I said. "I don't want anything else" and she shoved the plate across the table. She began the VERY common argument about why can't we feed that to the dogs, and she has always fed her dogs from the table, and yada yada yada. I took her plate, and let the dogs back into the kitchen. I was eating crackers and cream cheese. She asked for one. I fixed her one and put it on a napkin for her. She started breaking off little bites feeding the dogs. I said, "Stop that!" She looked me right in the face and did it again! I snatched that cracker and threw it away. Then she did that awful thing she does. She raked her finger across her teeth and was going to let them lick her fingers. I put the dogs out. I stood over her while she finished her tea. I am telling you it is like having a 4 year old! I fussed at her, and when I walked out of the kitchen, she said, "KISS MY ASS!" I couldn't resist...I stooped to her 4 year old level and screamed "I heard that and let me tell that you can kiss MINE!" She said,"good". In a few minutes, she said, "Hey!" I looked up, not really wanting to acknowledge her. "I'm going to bed, and I'm sorry. I don't know what made me say that". I said, "Maybe when you wake up, you'll be a new person!"
She slept a good while, but when she got up, she was again, in rare form. I was trying to cook supper. Now for those of you who do not know me well, Betty Crocker and Susie Homemaker I am not. I am VERY intimidated by cooking and all the related activities (to the point of tears, seriously). Sidebar: Cheryl the cornbread turned out very good! Anyway, I digress...Moma wants to stand over me while I cook and make her little comments. "I ain't never seen anybody cut potatoes like you do" "I ain't never seen anyone cook potatoes like that" "You're cutting half the potato away" "What is that??" "I'd let that brown more if I was you" "You ought to turn that down". I was ready to scream. I put a skillet in the sink, and ran a small amount of water in it. She went over and ran the water on full blast. I went behind her and cut it off, and said, "That's enough". She muttered,"thank you", and turned the freaking water back on while looking me right in the face! AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It was as if to say, "I'll do what I want to no matter what you say".
She cleaned her plate like there might not be any more, but she didn't eat supper last night and not much lunch today, so I am guessing she was really hungry. I put her in the truck to ride with me to take my sweet little aunt some of our leftovers because she lives alone and won't cook a big meal just for herself. Riding seems to calm Moma down. She came home and went to bed!
I didn't kill her today either, but I wanted to, several times. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day; a day with NO TEST!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Comedy On Wheels

Good Lord! My life could be a #1 sitcom. Today would be one of the very best episodes. It all started so simply.....
My grandmother woke up bright and early today. I jumped out of bed realizing that today is beauty shop day. I figured Moma knew that too, so she was anxious to get up and get going. I hurriedly fixed her breakfast and set about getting ready myself. I went back into the kitchen to check on her and she said, "Where you going?" Hmmm....maybe she doesn't realize it. I said, "We are going to the beauty shop today, and out to eat!" She snarled her lip and said, "I don't want to go today!" I reminded her that Saturday is our family reunion and she needed to go so she'd look good for the family she hasn't seen in ages. She shook her head no at me. I said, rather forcefully, "Moma, you do not want to go to the family reunion with your hair looking like that (it's in Einstein mode)!" She said, "I don't care". Humph! She wears me out. Any other time, she'd have a fit if I didn't take her. I continued getting myself ready. Of course, by the time I got back to the bathroom, Rebekah had locked me out. She was getting herself ready for work. I managed to get in and finish with my make-up and hair. I went into Moma's room where she had returned from breakfast and was lounged back on her bed. I opened her closet and pulled out a skirt and blouse with a jacket. She snarled and said, "I ain't a wearing that!" I said, "Why?" No answer. "Why Moma?" "I DON'T WANT TO!" Okay....I pulled out her old faithful pink suit that she wears everywhere.....yes, that is what she wanted. She is a creature of habit! I left her to get dressed and went about getting things ready for us to leave. When I came back in, she had on another blouse that didn't really match, but was okay. I said, "Why didn't you wear the blouse I had picked out" She mumbled something and I let it go, anticipating a few hours of freedom! Getting her to finally go out the door is a feat, so I began that. Finally after touching everything in her room and considering whether she would need it, we started out the door. Of course, Rebekah told me as I left that she would need her costume for tonight's performance washed before she got home from work today. Nice. I sigh, "Leave it on the washing machine" and we head out the door.
All the way to the beauty shop, I answer these questions repeatedly:
1. "I ain't got no money to pay them, can you pay for it? I'll pay you back"
2. "What's today?"
3. "Do I need a haircut?"
4. "Where are we going?"
5. "Do I look alright?"
Skipping ahead to when I picked her up (there is MUCH material during my time without her, as I am a disaster looking for a place to happen, but Hey! this is her blog), she was getting combed out when I got to the beauty shop. She wiggles, winces and screams and I am happy to pay whatever they ask because she is dreadful in that chair. Then Dinah pulls out the dreaded tweezers and Moma starts screaming "Stop that!", but Dinah tells her no and continues. "I can't let you go to the family reunion with a beard!" Moma looks up at her and says, "Thank-ye" I am wondering if this is partly sarcastic...yeah, I'm sure of it.
We finally get her out the door, in the truck, buckled in and ready for flight. I'm telling you it is worse than loading up two kids; two kids in car seats!
"Where are we going?" she asks. "Where do you want to go?" I say, trying to be funny, but let her tell me where she would like to go. "No where" is her response. I said, "Let's go eat lunch". She agrees and rides very quietly. Of course, when we get to Courtyard, it was packed! I thought it would be a good place for her to eat with all the veggies. I get tired of Uncle Sam's, even though that is her favorite. I decided to go on to the bank first, since Courtyard was packed. As I drove, I decided to call my friend again to check on her father who had surgery today. "Who are you calling?" I said, "Jenny". "WHO???" I scream "JENNY MOON"! "I'm sorry, I know I get on your nerves asking questions" (you think?) I told her that I knew she wouldn't know who I was talking about. Ugh....guilt sucks. When we arrived back at the Courtyard, it was thinning out a bit. Now, I am a little (little? ha) competitive when it comes to beating people into a restaurant, doctor's office, etc. Two cars were parking while we were getting out, and I was practically racing her into the Cultural Arts building. She kept saying, "Not so fast...". And by the way, we beat the other people. We signed in and got seated fairly quickly. She kept saying she had never eaten there, but she would say that if she ate there yesterday. Our waitress came over and took our orders. I noticed that Moma is not scooted up to the table, one of her new "things". I offered to help her, she refused. She rambled through her purse while we waited (I can't imagine who y'all are thinking about!). Our food came, and right off the bat, "This steak is so tough, I can't eat it!" and "This is too much food". "She'll have to bring me a box". I quietly but firmly said, "Moma, we'll get you a box for what you don't eat, but just eat! Eat what you can now". The waitress passed by, and "HEY LADY! HEY LADY!!!!" I wanted to die. "Moma, stop it!" The waitress came over to us, and Moma began barking orders about a go box". I apologized to her and said, "She can wait", but apparently she could not. Again, she barked, "I WANT A BOX FOR THIS FOOD!" The waitress smiled and went and got her one. UGH!! Urge to kill...She had not eaten more than 3 or 4 bites all together. She had not even drunk one sip of tea. I know this little woman well. She is so greedy, she wanted to take it all home. I scarfed my food down before she did anything else, and jumped up to go pay the bill. "WHERE YOU GOING?" she shouted. "To pay the bill" I replied. I vowed to give the waitress the change and more for a tip. When I got back to the table, she said in her loud high pitched voice "Well, I ain't ready to go!" Not a scrap was on her plate NOR MINE. She even swiped up the desserts. She wanted to drink her tea. AUGHHH!! The urge to kill her was getting stronger! Then she started making the digestive noises! The small burp with a large gulp of air, then a sigh....and then....and then.....she began to rake her finger along her nasty teeth and inspect what she had discovered like it was buried treasure. I couldn't help myself, "STOP THAT! Let's go!" Of course, as luck would have it when I got her to the door, it had begun to rain. I had to go through the "You stay here and I'll go get the car..." routine, which involves me repeating and screaming at her until strangers want to intervene. I ran in the rain to the truck, and drove around to get her. Needless to say, I was soaked, she had a tiny few sprinkles on her jacket. Whew! One last journey! I had to go to Dr. 10! for my chiropractic (is that how you spell it?) appointment. By then, it was POURING rain. I thought that since she didn't eat much, I should stop and get her a milkshake, plus that will keep her busy while I am in the doctor's office. There was a line at Chik-Filet, but not too bad. When we got up to the window, the girl handed me Moma's shake first, but when she handed me mine, the lid was not on good, and I was spilling it. I managed to get it out the window (in the pouring rain)and put the lid back on, without spilling one drop in the truck. As we started out of the parking lot, I heard Moma scream....she had dumped 1/2 of her milkshake into the cup holders in KERRY PAYNE'S NEW TRUCK! (Pinky, do not mention this to him please) I pulled over and managed to get it up before she smeared it and rubbed it in. Finally, we started out to Dr. 10's office. When we arrived, my friend Dawn pulled up next to us, as her appointment was the same time as mine. I roll down the window a crack to talk to her, while in the background, Moma was asking, "Why are you talking to her?" which I totally ignored! It was still raining pretty good, and Moma wanted to sit in the car. At this point, she could sit in the rain, for all I cared. I got out and ran it, with Dawn in tow. Dawn was worried about Moma. She was alone in this thought process.
As my appointment was ending, we heard the car horn....over and over....no, it was the alarm in the truck. Precious had set it off. So off I ran....could not wait to get her home, happy, knowing that I passed the test. If I was EVER going to kill her, it would have been today, and I didn't.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Don't ask.....

Moma: Why are you cutting that out? What are you going to do with it? Why?
You got any of them little drinks? (Ensure)
Where's Kerry?
Are those potatoes? Is that what the bag says?
Where'd you get those? What are they? What does the bag say?
What you gonna cook for dinner?
Isn't she going to eat? Where's she going?
Is today Sunday? What day is it?
Are you any kin to me?

You get the idea? It's like I've had a 4 year old all day long. That is just a sample of the questions I have answered today. And most of them were answered more than once. AND....she hasn't shut her eyes for more than 45 minutes all day!!!

Aaaaayyiiiii...(that is me screaming, in case you can't read Insanity)

Sunday, July 12, 2009


So far today, the only thing Moma has done is try to hide food in her housecoat pocket, so I thought I'd share a memory from my childhood.

My grandmother could cook the BEST country fried steak and gravy, fried potatoes and biscuits. That was my birthday meal every year. As she got older, she couldn't handle all that cooking at one time, so I'd go down and help her with getting the biscuits in the oven and frying the potatoes, but NOBODY did the steak but her. Somehow, she could get the steak so brown with thick crust, and she would always save me the crust that fell off (and that was the best part). I would eat until I nearly exploded. There was cantaloupe with every meal from the time cantaloupes hit the produce section of Food World until there were no more. Now I don't drink tea, but according to my family, her tea was the very best and sweet but not too sweet. My brother-in-law calls my tea "rockgut" (it's hard to make it right when you don't drink it). After the meal, we always went to the porch and sat in her swing and rockers, unless, of course, March was still cold, as it sometimes is. I always carried what left-overs there were home, and everyone knew that they were MINE!!

I miss my grandmother.....

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Please Lord, Let me be this limber when I am old...er! LOL This is how she was watching TV late yesterday evening. I had to make this picture. People do not believe me when I say she is that able bodied!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Home again

I just got back home from a 3 day trip to Atlanta for a school conference. While I enjoyed my time away (no lie), it was NOT a vacation by any means. So, back at home....I am realizing that next week my sitter is OFF, as in not on duty, like NOT GOING TO BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!! What will I do with this little woman for the next 9 days? NINE DAYS????? NINE! NINER! 9.....sigh.
Remember we are counting down to the family reunion which is a week from tomorrow! There will be some serious blog material there.
So join me each day this next week, as I will have to blog, to keep from losing my mind! LOL

Monday, July 6, 2009

Dance Space

Remember the lecture Patrick Swayze gave Jennifer Gray in Dirty Dancing? "This is my dance space...."? I'm about to have that little heart to heart with Moma over table space. If it isn't bad enough that she wants to look my plate over (and would LOVE to put stuff on or take stuff off my plate, but I guard it with a forearm), now she is all in my space! For some reason, she is now sitting sideways in her chair and puts her feet all out in front of me. Tonight I was tempted to step on her foot to make a point. She'd hit my foot and say, "I'm sorry" or "Forgive me" (which she thinks that makes everything OKAY). I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming, "IF YOU'D SIT IN YOUR CHAIR RIGHT, LIKE AN ADULT, YOU WOULD NOT KEEP HITTING MY FEET WITH YOUR STUPID CANE AND YOUR NASTY HOUSE SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But, such is my life; one irritation after another. Hopefully, this new one will replace an old one! LOL Just another day in the life of living with my Moma.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Church Picnic

Tonight was our July 4th celebration on July 5th! Our church had a picnic at Noccalula Falls. I sort of waited until after lunch to spring it on Moma that she was going with us. She is not a fan of our church (due to the extreme dislike of her deceased sister-in-law, who was a member of our church). She asked me who was "getting it up" and I told her our church. She asked a million questions about who would be there, etc. We were in the car at the time, as I had run an errand and taken her along for the ride. When we got into the house, she went straight to her room. I thought she might lie down for a bit, but when I went into her room to pick out her clothes, there she sat, dressed up, ready to go. She was packing her purse with Kleenex and diapers.
We arrived at the picnic and several folks met us to greet her. She loves all that attention!! She couldn't call any names, but she remembered several of our family friends. I got her to a table, and people were still coming up to her, telling her how glad they were that she came. She was ALL IN HER ELEMENT!!! (being the center of attention). I had to tell her to be quiet when Bro. Vince said the blessing. I fixed her plate with the help of my life-long friend, Greg Fails. (Thanks Gregory! I love you man!) She couldn't wait to tear into that plate of food. She tore (literally) her hamburger to smithereens. Kerry says her plate looks like a hamster has been in it. She ate most everything on her plate.
As people were finishing up their food, the band was getting ready to play. Bro. Paul opened up with a patriotic song, but next came "I'll Fly Away". Moma sang along. I told her I'd go get us something sweet. She said, "What do they have?" I said, "I don't know, but I'll just go get us some stuff". She smirked, "Well, I don't know what I want if I don't know what they have!" I offered to let her go to the table with me, but that wouldn't do. I know what she wanted....she wanted me to go to the table and come back and tell her what was up there. I left her sitting! I got 2 plates (Thanks Kathey for your help) and put a variety of things on both. I chose one particular piece of cake for myself because it had Philadelphia Cream Cheese icing. (Yummmm) Of course, it goes without saying, she wanted that off my plate. Then...she eyed Greg's dessert plate. He had a rice krispy treat. She wanted some of it. (The very idea) He gave her a small piece and he and Kathey were afraid she couldn't chew it. She took one bite and made a face. "EWWWWWWWWYUCK!!!" She said, and tossed it in her plate, leaned over to me and said, "That is the nearest nothing I've ever eaten!" Everyone else was amused (I was not). She continued eating what she wanted off both our plates, and the singing continued. They sang one song she knew, and she cut loose. It was so cute. People around her were noticing her singing and smiling. I got teary eyed.....until the next song. She didn't know it, so she leaned in to me and said, "Well, that's the sorriest singing I ever heard! Why don't they sing something everybody can sing along to?" I passed that on to Kerry and he told Greg and Kathey what she said. Greg, being the clown that he is, held up the rice krispy treat and said, "sorrier than THIS?" We all laughed!
But I saved the most precious part for last. I asked her before I went to the bathroom if she needed to go, she said she did not. I returned, and guess what?? You got it! So, off we go to the bathroom. I got her purse. She said, "I don't need my purse!" I said, "I brought it in case you needed a diaper". She said, "Well, I guess I will 'cause I'm PEEING ALL OVER MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!" Nice. After I got her into the stall, handed her a clean diaper and took the soiled one. I opened her purse and found pay dirt! She had one hamburger patty wrapped up in a napkin, one piece of fudge in another napkin, one brownie in a Kleenex. I tossed the fudge and the hamburger patty. I let her keep the brownie, although I know my dogs will be throwing it up tomorrow. Sigh...Happy Birthday America! You are a GRAND old lady!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Busy Busy

Moma hasn't shut her eyes over 30 minutes at a time today!! She has just about worn me out. Every time I hear that bedroom door open, I want to scream!!

Between Rebekah and me,we came up with these proofs that Moma was NEVER taught any table manners.
1. She spits tiny left over bites of food out of her mouth into my floor.
2. She smacks when she eats.
3. She shakes the crumbs from her napkin/place mat into the kitchen floor.
4. She makes totally inappropriate remarks to people. Example: "Why is your face breaking out so bad? Don't you put anything on it? They make stuff for that now." (Rebekah gave her a look that would kill)
5. She burps and poots out loud during meals.
6. She takes her teeth out and examines them.
7. She rakes her fingers over her teeth and lets the dog lick her finger! (All together, say GROSS!!!!)
8. She coughs and hocks stuff up at the table.
9. She will not eat over the table, she leans back holding food that will crumble in the floor.
And last but not least.....
10. She complains about everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I went shopping today (and what else is new?), but when I came home, Sue stashed my purchases to keep Moma out of them while I ran a quick errand. When I got home, I got out the recliner cover I bought (which is GREAT I might add, no more ugly RED recliner). Moma picked it up and looked it over, read everything on the package, like she does everything. She said, "How much do these cost?" I said, "Why?" She told me that "Haaannnngie" needed one, but then she said, "she ain't never home anymore". I said, "Who is that?" She first said, "my sister" then corrected herself and said, "I mean my sister-in-law". I said, "Who?" She said, "Odell". I reminded her that Aunt Odell is dead. She said, "Yeah". The truly funny thing is that she could not stand my sweet Aunt Odell. She never had anything nice to say about her, and now she is shopping for her. lol I wonder what is going on in that little head sometimes.

Countdown to the Payne Family Reunion! This is Moma's Paynes, not my husband's Paynes. There will most definitely be some blog material from this experience. I just hope I can remember it all.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Not eating...

Today, my sister came up to fix Moma's medicine tray. She went into the den to visit with Moma and Sue (our fabulous sitter). Anyway, in the middle of the conversation (at some point) Moma said to Sherry. "Don't talk to her, talk to me". I think she hurt Sue's feelings. Ugh! She better not run off the best sitter in the world!

Tonight she wouldn't hardly eat supper, not sure what all that is about. Just said she wasn't hungry. Wonder how long that will last? lol