Wednesday, September 29, 2010


This afternoon, I decided to lie down and take a quick nap before Mr. Payne came home. Moma was in her room, and Christo was on my laptop. I just got settled down, when I heard her door open. She made more than one trip past me, whacking me with that %&@# cane and yelling, "You won't sleep at all tonight if you don't get up!" Whatever...I finally got up.
I am so tired. Her dying spells are getting to more dramatic (exhausting...for ME), she is becoming more and more demanding. If she has a good day, then she hunts a fight all night. If she has a bad day....she is bad all night. She asks 10 times more questions than this time last year, and the answers are ALL followed by "Huh?" or "What?" Repeat everything you say just one time for an hour, and see how tired you become. So, I speak very little. I'm getting really good with body language.
If you are a praying person, I covet your prayers at this juncture in my life. I am under so much stress. There are just too many demands placed on me from all directions. I do not like myself right now because I am really not handling things with laughter like I used to. Pray for the anger and resentment to subside and for the sense of humor and laughter to return.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Typical Saturday

I went to bed last night at 9:15. I did not get enough sleep with all the acts from the 3 ring circus that I live in. I am considering selling cotton candy and popcorn. At least I can make a profit off the people under this big top. Of course, they'd ask me for the money.....sigh.
Bright and early, Mildred was up stomping through the house. Clickity clack clickity clack. Then she poked me with the cane while I was semi-conscious. Kerry yelled at her. She wanted something to eat. What else? I ignored while he marched her back to her room with her kicking and screaming that she was not going back to bed. Ugh!
When I did get up to fix her breakfast, she was sitting sideways in the wingback chair, legs dangling over the side and head propped up on the other. If you didn't know her, you might think, HOW CUTE!
Not cute.
After she ate and begged a piece of my Poptart, she went back to bed. Precious. Wish I could.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Stranger things have happened

This week has brought about some strange happenings. Moma has had so many personalities that I need a roster to keep up. Luckily, tonight, as I write, she is a very nice little old lady who is not really that feeble, just cannot remember that today is FRIDAY! (which makes tomorrow Saturday). She did not try to feed the dogs or wrap up food to stash in her pocket. She wasn't nasty about what she ate. She did not spit over my dishes in the kitchen sink either. She promptly got up and went to bed. We'll see how long that lasts.
But as for the previous days......Late yesterday afternoon, she had a dying spell to end all dying spells. Christopher said she was sitting in the den with him hollering and raising her hands to ?God?people? She was doing that war cry of "Help me, Jesus! Help me. Somebody help me". He was on the laptop and watching TV basically ignoring her. She got up and laid down in the floor hollering and carrying on. He calmly walked over to her, stood over her and said, "What are you doing?" She claimed she couldn't get up, so naturally, he did help her. Another day, she raised her cane at Connie, the sitter, and threatened to "knock the shit out of her". Connie left early that day. I think Moma gets the best of her some days. She has been more than ugly to the sitter all week. But! one day about lunch time, she and Connie were sitting in the living room talking. Connie was actually keeping her occupied so Christopher could eat in peace. He said he overheard Moma tell Connie that she was going to find her a man so she could move out of here. I love it! And I wish her luck. Tonight, I am opening her an account on eHarmony. Wish ME luck. :) Later......

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


She's lost another pound. We are back on Ensure. I dread it too. Remember how awful she used to act about "them little bottles"? UGH!

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I know I need to post an update.....but I am just lazy! Okay, I'll try!
 It's really hard to know which Moma is going to be with you from hour to hour. Her personality changes so often now. She may wake up sweet, go back to bed, and wake up nasty, or lost, or dying. The oxygen thing is not really that big of a deal. Even though the doctor ordered it for 24/7 (and that ain't happening),I don't think she really needs it. She improved after he took her off that 2nd bp med and that got out of her system. She is still a little feeble moving around, but she manages fairly well. She still eats all the time. She is passing away a little more every day, but she is still difficult.
I really have nothing else to report!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Hunting a Fight

She's hunting a fight tonight....and she just might find one!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Billy Goat Gruff

 I know I reported that Saturday was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, and Sunday was better, but today......today she is just being a turd for  meanness. She argues about everything, and while I was on the phone screamed "What's today? HEY! What's today? HEY!!!!" I said, "I am on the phone, can you wait just a minute?" She mouthed at me "Sunday? Is it Saturday?? Yeah, it's Saturday" in a very sarcastic smirky tone. She purposely fed both dogs after I told her to stop, then mocked me like a 4 year old. She hollered "Gimme something to drink" when her cup was empty. I wanted to slap her hand. She insisted on putting so much butter on her baked potato I could not even see the potato. It was smothered in butter. She popped a popcorn shrimp in her mouth, chewed once or twice, then spit it out. She did not swallow one single piece of shrimp. Finally, she got up and announced, "I'm going to bed....I know you don't care. You don't care one bit. I know you want me out of your face". I said, "Well, you are being ugly, so yeah, I do" She leaned all the way across the table and said in her smarty pants voice, "Forgive me". (Forgive me for wanting to shove you down the steps).
I'm out of control. Someone needs to stop me. lol

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Not nice....

This is not a nice post. I am not happy. I am ill as a hornet! Mad as an old wet hen. HOT! Do I need medication? Probably. If I had weapons....it'd be ugly.
First thing this morning, I awoke to the click click of that infernal cane. She was nosing around in my study; something I hate! She piddled around until I finally got up. She then, after waking me up, went to the den to read the paper, while she figured I was fixing her breakfast. I took my time. I hate her today. Today she is an intrusion into the life that I miss. I called her to eat. Every Saturday, I make sure she is settled into her meal before I pour the milk on my cereal. And every Saturday, without fail, as soon as I think I am safe and pour that milk, "Would you......" NEVER FAILS. I hate soggy cereal. Today, I just poured it out. I was so ill. And of course, when I am being ugly....everything I touch turns to a big pile of sh*t. I turned her glass of water over. Nice.....
She had no sooner left the table for her typical after-breakfast-nap when she had a revelation. She had no diapers. I think she is making pillows out of them. She goes through more than a pack a week now. She came with her panic in tow. "Julie.....I need some drawers". I pulled one out of my emergency stash. She took it and went back to her room. I had about 30 minutes of peace. She woke up in another panic. "I ain't got no panties! I used those you gave me!" So I went to my stash and pulled out 2. "This should do you until I run to the store in a little while". Her response..."Thank ye". Within minutes, she was on to another major panic. "Julie, you got anything to make your bowels move?" UGH....I hate this one. "Moma, I gave you something at breakfast, give it time to work". She went back to her room and laid down. I might have gotten 30 minutes again, when she burst into the den in a nervous jerk. "Julie.....Julie......(puts her hand on my shoulder and I smell it) I'm in a mess. I've got my tail to bleedin'" I jumped up and pushed her hand off my shoulder! I screamed a few obscenities at her, and made her get to the bathroom to scrub her hands. The whole time she is washing her hands, I am screaming like a maniac at her. (I hate that digging) When she cleaned up, I got her a suppository. I made her use it and re-wash her hands. I walked away. She followed. "Julie....please give me something....help me hon..." I spun around and spouted " I gave you medicine at breakfast, I just gave you a suppository! That is all I can do for now!" She nodded as if she understood. She pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down, with that usual taking on. "Lord help me. Help me Jesus!" I ignored her. I went about putting up dishes and other things, but she caught my eye. "Julie.....hon, give me something" She realized that I was about to rip her little head off. "...to eat", she finished. I gave her 2 pieces of her coconut candy (gag). She said, "No lunch?" It was 10:15. By now, you are understanding that today has not been good, at all.
It has been one catastrophe after another. She has been in panic mode all day. She has eaten at least one of everything in the house, and had major emotional issues between her snacks. "Someone has stolen my Kleenex" and "I can't find my little change purse" are among the latest. I had planned to load her up in the truck and take her to Sonic for supper and an ice cream, but while I was napping......a nameless family member took my truck without even having the courtesy to tell me. So, we had nasty scrambled eggs. The son left early in the afternoon, the daughter breezed by with one of her friends. My sister called and offered to come stay awhile, but hmm....no make-up, no bath, glasses-no contacts, and a big ole fever blister.....no thanks....I'll just wallow in my misery, thanks. So, I told you this was not a nice post. I am not particularly fond of anyone at the moment. Yes, tomorrow is another day....and I'll be fine.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Crack House

If this ain't a crack house, it ought to be. Either I need it or Moma does. In fact, after this afternoon, I am wondering if she didn't smoke her some while I was at school today. Let me explain....
When I got in this afternoon, Moma was dead asleep, with the oxygen on. Connie said she had had a good day, but felt bad and went to bed. She told me that she was sleeping really good. Ha! I fell for it. Connie had no sooner backed out of the driveway when I heard the cane clicking. "Julie....come show me how to turn that ole thang off (oxygen). I've tried and tried and I can't get the thang to turn off." Great....She's been turning knobs and switches on her concentrator. She soon started taking on about how bad her tail hurt, and somethings wrong with her, and her head feels crazy. I let her go on....I was tired....a little sleepy, and a LOT ill. Seems like the older I get, the less I want to talk or maybe I am tired of repeating everything I say and screaming everything I say. I admit..I dozed off in the recliner, and she must have gotten up (and done God knows what). She came back into the den, and sat on the couch. "Did you wake up?" she asked. "Sit up and talk to me!" She talked and talked until I wanted to just scream. Kerry came home, and got in his recliner, and began to doze. She got very loud and very busy talking. Kerry said, "Is she on drugs?" Then my sister called, and inquired about her. I said, "Oh she is fine as wine". Sherry said, "Well, I can tell a big difference since we have taken her off that A____ (bp med, can't spell it)" Well apparently then, she is back to her old self. She probably doesn't need the oxygen anymore. But somebody is going to be drugged. Her or me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Better Day

She had a better day today. She refused her oxygen early this morning, but after her nap, kept it on for over 2 hours. She has been chewing the same piece of gum since yesterday. I love how she takes it out to eat and puts it on a napkin. Then pulls the paper off of it, and puts it back in her mouth. lol Like there will never be any more gum!! lol
I made the mistake of mentioning that Sherry had not done her medicines yet, and was coming by later on tonight to do them. So, now she is on the tangent of "Julie....reckon Sherry decided not to come?" "Have you called her?" " I wonder when Sherry will get here" Good Lord.....
Kerry just sent her to bed. Wonder how long she'll stay.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Things are nasty!

Nasty things are happening. I can't imagine what it must be like from her perspective. She is having a little diarrhea or lack of muscle control, and then there are the giant hemorrhoids. There is also something hanging out that should not be.
Hospice made their demands today. Smoke detectors must be re-hung (took down to place in a more suitable place). They want her in a hospital bed. Nurse thinks she has skin break-down on her hiney, but I disagree. I think it is her psoriasis. I am too tired to make any decisions today.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Update from this morning

She had oxygen for about an hour and a half this morning...enough to make her totally annoying and irritating today. lol She's been a bit of a busy tail. But the very worst thing she is doing.....I hesitate to tell this. It is gross. If your stomach is weak, click the X. Today she has been digging in her bottom, pulling out turds like a chimp. Cleaning that up is NOT a pleasant affair.


It is so strange. Moma wakes up like normal (for her) but by the time she eats breakfast, she is dying. She is not sleeping with oxygen, so I don't get it. This morning she moaned all through breakfast after waking me up with a smile wanting breakfast.  Strange. She carried on about how bad her head hurt. I got up and got her some Tylenol, put it on her napkin and she said, "What's that for?" I said, "for your headache". She looked puzzled and said, "Well, hon, I thank you, but my head ain't a hurtin' today."
I'm sure there will be more to report, so stay tuned.
Happy Labor Day!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Good Day

I came home from church to find Moma sprawled out on her bed turned the wrong way hollering about hurting. I sat her up, put on her oxygen for about 30 minutes, and the rest of the day, she was good. She napped and ate (which is typical). Amazing what good a little oxygen to the brain will do.

After supper, she asked for something to make her "go". So, it may be a long night. Film at 11 (well, that would be just wrong....so, I'll just say another report tomorrow).

Saturday, September 4, 2010


We have found oxygen to be good. It seems to clear her up miraculously. She can get even just 30 minutes worth and be almost new (well, new for her). She got up this morning at 8:30 stomping through the house, all smiles. I got up and fixed her breakfast, thinking she was doing well, but as soon as she ate.....she began taking on like someone had a knife in her back. She'd close her eyes and wince. Then cry out. And the carrying on began. "Oh Lord.....help me. Help me Jesus!" One of my personal favorites is "Jesus??" Like he isn't listening. I tried to get her up to go get her oxygen, but she kept drinking coffee and hollering. Finally, rather impatiently (me?), I said, "Do you want to feel better or had you rather sit there and holler?" She finally got up. She has had her oxygen going for about 20 minutes now, and all is quiet.

Friday, September 3, 2010

She's bad

I came home from school yesterday and the sitter met me at the door. "She's bad" she said, with a worried look on her face. I quickly came in the house, put down my things, and went to her room. The sitter told me that she ate breakfast, had that hurting in her chest that she complained about last weekend, and laid in the bed hollering. She finally slept a bit, restlessly. At lunch time, she could not walk, nor sit up. She fed Moma her breakfast in the bed. She had not been good the rest of the afternoon. When I went in her room, she was lethargic. I roused her, but she could barely open her eyes, her speech was slurred and she couldn't focus on me. I took her pulse....44. I finally sent Connie home, and sat with Moma for a bit. She tried to talk to me, but she was fading. I called my sister to come by on her way home. I took her pulse again. This time between 36-39. Sherry called and offered to go by my aunt's house and borrow her blood pressure cuff. She got here finally, and began evaluating her. By this time, Moma could talk a little better, and her eyes were open more. Sherry took her blood pressure and it was 106/60, pulse still 36ish. We decided to get the medics to come check her out. We didn't want them to come with lights and sirens blaring, so I called my dear friend, Cheryl, for a favor. She arranged to have them come unofficially. They got here, and of course, as usual, she began to perform for her audience. She was fully awake and just as flirty and cute, as usual, like NOTHING was wrong. The medics were concerned because her blood pressure was 150/30, her pulse 37, and her Oxygen level (O2Sat) was 86 (and they say anything below 96 is bad). So we called the doctor, and he gave Sherry new orders about meds and offered home oxygen. She was very weak the rest of the night.
Today's update is, oxygen was brought out, she hates it, but it makes a big difference in her alertness. And hospice was ordered as well. It will begin Wednesday. This is very sobering.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Looking back

Just a flashback memory....
One of my favorite things to do with Moma was bake or make fudge. And then that salmonella scare made people afraid to lick the cake batter. My mother refused me to even taste it. But when I went to Moma's......I licked the spatula, the spoon, the bowl, and she always left me enough to make me puke! She has NEVER followed rules. I used to love that, but now....not so amusing.