Last Post?

Just disregard that last post. Mildred was in rare form today. She got up busy and bossy. At breakfast, she made up some story to tell me about her momma going to her school. In  52 years, I have NEVER heard that story. Then the Hospice aide called to say she was on her way to bathe Moma. She finished her breakfast and said she was going to go back to bed. I told her to wait that the aide was on the way to give her a bath. She started growling that she "was NOT taking a damn bath". I thought for a minute she might cry. Then she jumped up and said, "I'm going to bed and she can't get me out" and she raced to her room and shoved a chair in front of the door. (Good Lord 4 year old!)
Later we went to my in-laws for a cook-out. She drove Christopher insane on the way down asking questions. But the minute we got there, she turned into quite a character. She cussed and fussed about everything. She saw the tray of meat and said, "Shit! You ain't even cooked that yet!" She "damned" this and "damned" that. She was just downright ugly, even though we laughed. But it got old quick. She referred to Kerry's dad as that OLD man. She asked what I was walking around the yard looking at, and I told her "flowers". She informed me that there was nothing but damn weeds in their yard. Kerry got her some ice cream and she said, "This is ole homemade ice cream". I said, "yes it is". She said, "Well it aint' worth a shit". She told Kerry that he was an embarrassment to sit in front of because she could see his tail with his legs crossed. When we went in to eat, she grabbed a Frito out of a bowl. I said,' You cannot eat that". She took a bite, and said, "I know" and threw the rest of the chip back into the bowl! She put food on my father-in-law's plate, she tried to feed their dogs, she complained about the food, she was more than greedy, and completely obnoxious. I know Kerry's dad was sick of her. Finally, after supper, while we were sitting on the porch, I got my gut full of her and got up take her home. She protested and then apologized for ME!!!! She was just awful, and I do mean AWFUL! I wanted to leave her, but I knew they didn't want her (and neither did I, at that moment)
We got home and I gave her medicine and put her to bed. Kerry and I got in the pool. She was up in 10 minutes. Then she wanted chocolate milk and had the nerve to ask if we were going to have any supper. I was dripping wet because I had to get out of the pool to get her out of the kitchen. She wears me out. Nothing about today is funny to me tonight. I am totally SICK of her. To say the least, my nerves are shot.

Lately

Lately, Moma is more feeble than not. She asked me this afternoon "Do I have a room at your house?" I answered, then she said, "Do I live with you?" She shook her head as if she didn't know. It is kind of sad. I am glad she hasn't been combative and nasty, but this is a kind of sad personality. The nurse says that the dementia is progressing. She told me 6 times within 10 minutes that she felt bad and was going to bed. I thought I would be ready for this, but this is tiring in itself.

Saturday Morning

Remember that song the Statler's used to sing that talked about the chaos of Saturday mornings? I feel like that is my situation sometimes. But this morning was a little different. No one was yelling or angry. It was very quiet. I fixed Moma's breakfast as she sat with her head in her hands and spoke to God about how bad she felt. Once I placed it in front of her, I sat down at the table to eat my cereal bar and watch "The Nanny" as we usually do on Saturday mornings. Moma complained about the coffee being too hot, the grits were too hot, and the fan was on in my bedroom. She did not yell. She wasn't angry. Matter of factly, she said "This coffee is too damn hot". Then, "Ewwww...I burned my damn mouth on those grits". And then, as calmly as an ocean breeze, she said, "Why in the hell is that damn ceiling fan on?" I nearly choked on my cereal bar. She would have back handed me back in the day. (I have to admit, I think her cursing is funny!)

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

If it isn't bad enough that Moma hit the sitter yesterday with her cane (and left a huge knot on her hand), today she locked her out of the house. Connie was on the porch and Moma locked all the doors, and had the nerve to stand in the door and stick out her tongue at Connie repeatedly! Finally, she asked her if she wanted to come in. Connie told her "YES" so she unlocked the door. Is she 3?
And for the record, I am in a dark and twisty place. Not good.

Home again

Just walked in the door from the beach. So expected Moma to be all "I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! DON'T EVER GO OFF AGAIN!!!!" (hug hug). However, she was sitting in the chair right by the front door, and caught me by surprise. I walked in and said, "Well Hello!!!!" and she gave me a nod and a smile, like she would the mailman. Nice......

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mother,
Happy Mother's Day in Heaven. It is hard to believe that you have been gone almost 16 years. I know that you are happy with Daddy, and I would not wish you back to this place. I just wanted to assure you and Daddy that Moma is doing well. I am taking care of her the best I know how. As you remember, I am not a nurturing person, nor have I ever been crazy about old people. God has met my needs since the day I took her in. I am tested daily. I am tired and exhausted. I have sacrificed and missed things that I really wanted to do. I have almost become apathetic about things that I should care deeply about. My sense of humor is cruel and twisted. I am angry a lot. I do not like her most of the time, and I see what you have said for years about her being self centered. She thinks it is all about her. And in my house and my world, it is. She wears me out, but she is my grandmother, who sacrificed her time to keep a silly, chubby little girl while her mother worked. I am blessed, to say the least. She has been sweet today, and I have enjoyed her. Tomorrow will most likely be different. I love her, so I will be here for her until she draws her last breath. But, not only because I love her, but because I want you and Daddy to be proud of me. I am sure that you could argue this, but MOST of my life has been lived to make the two of you proud of me. I want to be the wonderful person that you both are. Alas, I am not, but I strive to be. You were a wonderful mother, a fine example, and a true Southern Belle. I love you.

Early to rise

This morning while I was getting ready for school, Moma emerged from her bedroom brand new. She was confused and feeble. She wanted breakfast. I assured her that I would fix her some oatmeal just as soon as I finished getting ready for work. She went back into her room. I heard some moving around, but thought nothing of it because she likes to ramble through her drawers. Then the door closed. I figured she had given up and gone back to bed. I was stepping into my pants when her door opened and out she stepped fully clothed head to toe. She had on a suit, stockings and her dress shoes. I nearly fell out of my pants leg. "Well, Sunshine....where are you going?" I asked. She said, "Well, I didn't want to stay in my gown all day. I've just been dropped off here, and I didn't want them to think I didn't have any clothes." (Okay, WHO dropped you off?) It was precious! I fixed the little woman some breakfast. God love her.