Sunday, November 28, 2010

Game Shows

We have discovered a wonderful sitter! The Game Show Channel!!! You can sit Mildred in front of it and she'll watch game shows for HOURS! It doesn't matter that they are giving away Chevy Vegas or wearing colored pantyhose. She cannot hear anything but watches with her legs pulled up like a 4 year old watching Dora! It is precious. Thank God for channel 179! I just might get something done for Christmas without her help!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A trip to the dentist

I had an appointment to get my teeth cleaned on Tuesday. I began getting Moma ready for this on Monday. I told her that we'd go eat lunch afterward if everything went well (in other words, if she was good), and that I would take her to run my errands because she loves to ride. So..........Tuesday morning, I went into her room and began laying out her clothes which woke her up and our day was off and running.
Tuesday was unseasonably warm and muggy, but nothing would do but she wear her BIG winter coat. We loaded up in the car, and the seat belt had fuzz on it from her prior ride (her pink housecoat sheds badly), so it ended up on her black coat. She started fussing..."What in the shit is all over my coat?" I knew immediately and got her the lint roller. She worked on it until we got to the dentist office. We got in and seated and she announced to the entire waiting room. "Where in the hell did I get this mess on my coat?" Nice. One girl laughed out loud, and another lady placed the book she was reading over her face. Precious. When they called me back, I started helping her up. She yelled out, "Why do I have to go?" Through gritted teeth, I said, "Because I cannot trust you out here by yourself, get up!" She entertained the hygienist and my dentist. They gave her a new tooth brush (why?) She was tickled. (Again, why?) We got up to leave, and the hygienist said that the receptionist had someone with her, could I wait in the waiting room to schedule my next appointment. I said that was fine, but Moma yelled out "Why in the cathair are we settin' back down? Ain't you through?"  Then she began berating all the furnishings. A black man came in and she is so free to use her racial terms, I decided to suggest that she go to the restroom while we wait. (And by the way Lady, I know you heard me say that to her, and I know you jumped up to beat her in there....you are just tacky!) When I got her settled in the bathroom, they called me back to the desk. I had her purse and mine. In just a minute, I heard "JULIE! HEY JULIE!!!" I sprinted to the bathroom door, just as her little head peered out and she declared, "I NEED SOME KOTEX!" The urge to kill her passed quickly, and I shoved her purse and her back into the bathroom. I told her that her diapers were in her purse and to HUSH! I went back and took care of business and swiftly got her out of there before she discovered the racial diversity in the room.
The rest of the day went pretty much like the first. She was inappropriate but most of that was for me only, as I kept her in the car for most of the rest of our adventure.
Later, I thought she'd be too tired to see the lights at the falls (employee preview night). But when Kerry called and told us to come on, she jumped up like a 10 year old and began dressing. She never ceases to amaze me. She absolutely loved the lights and didn't want to leave. 

Monday, November 22, 2010


Yeah, I jinxed myself with that last post. Too good to last. Last night, because she has been so sweet....I gave her two pieces of her (nasty) candy after supper. She took them and immediately wrapped them in a napkin. Kerry started saying "NO" to her, but I was trying to be sweet (because she had been) and said, "Let me put that up for you if you aren't going to eat it now." She started her usual argument that she was going to eat it in a minute. I won't go into that because it was so typical of us sparring for food. When I got ready to leave the table, I asked her if she had eaten all her candy. She started denying that she had anything and telling me that I "beat all she's ever seen" about her food. So, I let it go (my first mistake). In a little while after Kerry and I had left the kitchen, I saw the dogs on either side of her and Shula was chewing. She had saved a piece of candy for them. I went into "spazz" mode and started screaming at her and trying to get the candy away, yelling "What are you doing?" She smiled her sweet little smile and said, "feeding them some candy" She was pleased as punch. After my short sermonette on why Shula cannot have table food (gluten allergy), I demanded the candy. She refused, so I went KerryPayne on her and got the candy off the top of the refrigerator and started to throw it away. She began with a smart attitude "Go ahead, I don't care", then moved to the begging phase "Julie, please don't" to, finally, the threat of "You'll be sorry" so I threw it and the other 2 UNOPENED bags of candy into the trash, pulled out the bag, tied it in a knot and took it to the can outside (which was already on the street). I was sweating, out of breath, and  worn out when it was over but happy, feeling that I had "won". She went to her room, came out in less than 30 minutes in another personality. She was oblivious of my victory. Sigh...........

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Not much to post. She has actually been a nice little grandmother (just with her usual irritations) so I am going to share a picture or two if it will let me.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


It was a familiar scene from my childhood, only this time I was the driver and Moma the little girl in the passenger seat. I had errands to run, and after I rolled her hair, I loaded her into the car to go for a ride. She was so excited. I handed her a piece of Teaberry gum, just like she did me back in the 60's. I always thought it tasted just like wax lips. I miss all the wax I consumed when I was younger. I doubt there are any calories in it. Anyway....I digress. Moma buckled herself in and was tickled pink to get out. As we  rode down the road, she was knocking her skinny little legs together as I imagine I once did and picking up everything in my car as I KNOW I once did. She was so good, I stopped at Dollar General and bought her some coconut candy. But the story cannot end on a sweet note....she's already been in trouble for getting into the candy before supper, and for feeding it to my dogs. What a stinker!

Monday, November 15, 2010

While the Cats' Away......

I would love to report that while I was away Moma was perfect. HA! She was awful.....She told my friend, who so graciously stayed with her out of her devotion to me, that she looked like a tramp. She told me great niece to stop getting fat. She and Rebekah tied up from Saturday evening until I got home. I received this call:
Me: Hello?
Rebekah: Yes, Is this McGuffey's Nursing Home? Yes, I have a hateful old woman that someone needs to come pick up. She won't mind and she is trying to feed the dogs her supper.
Me: (ROFL)
Rebekah: Yes, I see. Can you pick her up today?
(Background: I ain't a going nowhere! I ain't going with nobody!!! You can't make me go!)
Rebekah: Okay, come and pick her up. I'll have her ready.
Me: Rebekah, are you upsetting her? (laughing)
(Background: They don't know my name. I ain't a going!)
Rebekah: Yes, her name is Mildred Hall
(Background: I'll tell 'em I'm somebody else when they get here)
Rebekah to Moma: Who are you going to say you are?
(Background: Just wait 'til they get here and you'll find out!)
Needless to say, Kerry and I were screaming after that phone call. Better her than me. LOVE IT!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Moma has been on a tear of NOT sleeping, or being still, or behaving. But today when I got home, I had a million things to do to get ready for my trip in the morning. I asked Moma if she wanted to go out in the yard and sit on the glider while I cleaned out the truck. She said she would (but didn't seem to enthused). We got out there and I got her settled on the glider, and this sweet rush of memories began to wash over me. She has always loved being outside. As I cleaned out the truck, she was cleaning leaves off the glider and the table in front of it. She seemed to enjoy sitting there, so when I finished I offered to walk her around in the yard. She jumped at the chance. When I was a little girl, she and I would walk around her house and she'd point out different types of flowers, trees and bushes. So as we walked, I'd show her different things in my yard, and my heart was full. For just a short inkling of time, she was my grandmother again. She held tight to me and I never wanted to pull away. God gave me the gift of spending just a moment with my Moma. She has been very docile this evening and not one tiny bit annoying. But I am leaving for Gatlinburg in the morning to celebrate 25 years of marriage to the love of my life. And I guess God knew that she and I both needed some sweetness. I know I'll be ready to kill her again soon, but I am thankful to God for little glimpses of the real Moma.
At this time, she is cleaning out her closet and giving everything she has away. She has offered me shoes, clothes, and now furniture. She is due a 4th trip in here to offer us something else of hers. She said there was no sense in her "piling up a carload of stuff she don't want or need". LOL I love it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


At the supper table
Me: Moma, I bought you a surprise at the grocery store today! But, if you fight me over the scraps you have in your lap, I am not giving it to you.
Moma: I don't give a damn
Enough said.

Monday, November 8, 2010

May be a Repeat

This may be a repeat of a previous post, but it is worth a repeat. Christopher and I were at the table the other day while Moma was "busy" nosing through everything on the counters, grunting. I told him that her rambling makes me the craziest of all the crap she does. He made the point that her bossing him drives him crazy. So we began making a list, out loud, while she stood behind us rambling and grunting. So here it is:
  • bossing (Hey! Let that dog out)
  • grunting (uh uh uh uh uh every time she breathes)
  • rambling and nosing through our things
  • moving and rearranging things (a little different from just rambling, but just as annoying)
  • when she says "I ain't never seen one like that"
  • letting the dog in and out, repeatedly
  • talking in her sleep (I ain't gone do it!)
  • lying (I ain't feeding that dog)
  • getting in the refrigerator (I'm a looking for my sandwich I put in here)
  • stealing (for example: she takes pictures out of my frames, she washes my cute little flower pots and puts them in her room, she even washed Christopher's ash tray and took it)
  • following everything I say with "What?" or "huh?"
  • getting on the kick of who handles her money and who pays her tithes
  • her dying act
  • NOT sleeping at night, walking the floors
  • the sound of the click of that dreaded cane
  • getting right down in your ear to say something "cute"
  • feeding the dogs
  • always thinking today is Sunday
  • abusing the ice dispenser on the refrigerator door
  • when she asks you for something, if you do not respond immediately, she attempts it on her own
  • being nasty (no details, but you can imagine the millions of ways this occurs)
  • using and over-using paper products
  • obsessing over things
The list could go on and on, but we finally quit when the food she got out of the trash can had to be wrestled out of her hands and thrown away. Whew....that felt good. 

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Last night at supper, Kerry was putting pizza on his plate and Moma said, "Kerry.....how old are you?" He turned and said, "Well, how old do you think I am?" She said, "Well, I know you are in your 60's". At this point, I  had to leave the table because I was spitting food out laughing so hard. She kept asking him what Christopher and I were laughing at. He was at a loss for words, but he did threaten to slap the *&^% out of her under his breath, and tell us it was not that funny. Then, she said, "Ain't you about 62?" I had drink and pizza coming out of my nose. It was great! I was screaming!! He said, "How old do you think she is?" Moma said, "50 something". I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!