Apology to girl at Jack's

In my last post, I said that I wished that I could type the hollering and screaming thing that Moma does. It used to startle me, but now it just makes me want to slap her. So today, I needed to go to the hospital to visit my aunt because she had been alone all day with no visitors (BOLO for my other family members), and she was wallowing in self pity (and making me feel guilty), and she was confused about going to rehab tomorrow, AND she wanted a chocolate milk shake. So, I had no choice but to load up the nutwagon and head out. We got in the car, and I decided that Jack's was probably the best milkshake in town, so I went through the drive-through. I ordered one small chocolate shake for Edna and one small vanilla for the nut in the passenger seat. We pulled up to the window and I gave the girl my debit card when all of a sudden, Mildred let out with one of her war hoops to the twenty-fifth power. That little girl looked like she had seen a ghost (I wish), and she handed me back my debit card and slammed the window shut. She opened it in just a minute, handed out straws and shakes and couldn't get it shut fast enough. I guess she had never seen a 98.5 year old with Einstein hair screaming like a Banshee waiting on a milk shake. God love her. I apologize dear, I'll try to keep our run-throughs at Jack's to a minimum.

Prayers requested.....

Lately my posts have all been negative and nasty. Well, today "ain't no different". She has been like a child all day; an unruly child; a retarded child with an IQ of less than 65; a child who may find herself drinking rat poison if she doesn't behave. She is doing all this hollering. I wish I could type it so you could get a good idea of what it sounds like. Then she does a screaming routine. And her coughing spells.......that always conveniently happen when I am on the phone.
The dog scratched her leg today (so she says), and that old thin skin just ripped into a perfect V. She sat on the sofa screaming and carrying on like her eyeball had been clawed out. She was screaming "Come doctor my leg (pronounced Laig)!!" "JUUUUUUULLLLLLIIIIIE!!! I need a band-ay!!!" "Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I want somebody to doctor my leg!" I wanted to take duct tape and wrap around her scrawny little leg. Since that would just be wrong, I went into one of my Gan green spills. "You know if you don't stop picking at your leg, you might get gan green. Then they'll have to cut your leg off below the knee. I'm not sure how you'll get around. I guess you'll just be laid up in the bed all the time." She said, "I ain't a picking at it!" I said, "Yes you are and you have doo-doo under your fingernails, so you will get gan green. I hope they only cut off your foot." Now how mean is that? Mean, but WELL deserved.

Couldn't hate her more...

Tonight, I couldn't hate her more. After a busy day at work, I came home to her craziness (screaming and carrying on), walked on the tread mill, ordered pizza and went to the hospital for 2 or so hours.Then came home and she was crazier than ever! You cannot imagine the screaming and hollering. Jerking and shaking.....if you didn't know what an actress she is, you'd think she was having some kind of seizure. I AM WORN OUT! All I wanted was a bath.....no, had to medicate her and try to get her crazy tail settled in the bed. Finally got her settled, covered up, and about to tell her goodnight when she said, "Hey, have we got any chocolate milk?" I wanted to put my hands around her scrawny neck and KILL HER! I told her she would just have to wait until I got my bath, and as I turned and walked out of her room, I noticed that she had stolen a figurine that Rebekah got for Christmas (Rebekah hated it, but at this point, it was the principle). I snatched it up and walked out with it. She started screaming...."HEY! You bring that back!!" Then she got up and came after me. I had hidden it by the time she got to me. We had a short screaming match with her telling me how sorry I'd be, and me dragging her into her room and threatening her about not leaving her room again.
I am so sick of CRAZY! She has been more crazy every day. She had the nerve to ask me to pray with her tonight. She really doesn't want me  praying with her.....BECAUSE I AM PRAYING FOR HIM TO TAKE HER HOME!!!!!!! Yes, I hate her tonight.

I'm a dying...............

Moma cannot stand it because my aunt is in the hospital. It is literally killing her that there is nothing wrong with her, and that my aunt is getting my attention. So, when I got home today, she started that screaming and praying. She would come into the kitchen screaming for help, then leave....back and forth. I gave her 2 Benedryl thinking that might make her sleepy enough to leave me alone. So, finally she came into the kitchen screaming and carrying on. She said, "Help me....I'm a dying!" I ignored her as long as I could. Finally, I turned and yelled "You are too damn mean to die". Forgive me.

Burning the candle at both ends.....

My mother used to tell me that all the time. "Julie, you are burning the candle at both ends, and it will catch up with you." I would just laugh and think, "yeah, right" Well, I am 52 and still doing it. It has more than caught up with me. I am ill, grouchy, worn out, and fat. I have high blood pressure, arthritis, overgrowth of yeast (that is currently killing me) and I am quite sure a big fat, ready to bleed ulcer. So what else can we add to all my stress? Oh, just let me tell you.......
It was an awful week at school. AWFUL! Then Friday was just plain busy; a fairly good day but a Black History program and a dance in one day. Then, Kerry and I went out with friends to get out of our 3 ring circus life. Saturday morning, got up bright and early to go work at the fire station/museum (Alabama City Historical Association). I didn't HAVE to get up bright and early, but Mildred made sure I was up bright and early! (ugh) While down there working, got a call from MEDIC ALERT, that my Aunt Edna had pressed her alarm but could not answer the phone and the medics were in route. I sent Sherry running because I am worthless in those situations; besides I was busy working and she was just talking. She had Erin, but she stayed with me. She didn't get back to my house until 9:30ish. Then Sunday morning, Mildred got me up even  brighter and even earlier than the day before. (I hate her) I was downstairs doing some laundry and getting clothes out to wear today. I was bending over the towel basket, and pulled it out a little to get something that had fallen behind it. The next thing I knew, I was picking myself up off the floor, stars circling my head like in the cartoons (didn't hear birds) and getting the cast iron bed rail off my shoulder that had fallen and hit me on the head. I thought I must surely be bleeding. I haven't felt that much pain in a long time. I literally saw stars!!! I was moaning, but don't worry....didn't wake up my sleeping son. Then I came upstairs to wake Rebekah because she was going to keep Mildred for me. I asked her to check my head to make sure I wasn't bleeding and to look at my pupils. But don't worry.....she didn't budge. Ahhhhh......my loving family. My honey was worshiping the Lord or he would have checked me out (after he screamed at me for putting those rails there in the first place) And, then I had to leave at 11:30 to meet my group in Leeds (in the middle of a vast nowhere) to finish our project which is due Tuesday (we finished!) I feel a little bit better for having turned that in today, but so much stress to look forward to. Will be expected to be at the hospital tomorrow (and every day after that while she is there) after school to check on Edna. Then there is supper to cook; GOT to color this hair, and I have to force myself to start walking or working out or something. So, enough about me. (ha)
I have to share this one funny. Mildred has been awful and mean all weekend. Friday when Connie left, as soon as the storm door shut, she yelled "Goodbye Bitch!" Oh, my stupid stupid life......

She's a Flake

One of the things that we have to do since Moma moved in is SCOUR the tub after every bath she takes. Rebekah and I are constantly asking "Is the tub clean?" You see, old people seem to lose so much skin when they bathe. The sides of the tub are coated with flaky scum that makes me want to puke just writing this. Moma is not going to die. She is just going to slowly "flake away". GROSS!

Stinky

The only thing to report of late is.....she poops her pants. She stinks. Then she lies about the poop. Gag.....

Very Bad Little Child

Today, Mildred has just been a bad child. She woke up bright and early with a soiled bed (a typical Saturday morning for me). After breakfast, she followed me to her room. I had to change her bed and clean up her bedside commode. She seemed to be in my way, every where I turned. I was trying to just ignore her, but finally I had to say....."You are in my way, and I need you to move across the room!". The next thing I knew, she was raking a million wire coat hangers out from under her shelf. They were just all strewn out in the floor. She began kicking them toward the hall. I told her NOT to put them out there. She started screaming that she didn't know how they got under there. After a screaming match with her, I picked them up (of course). She is obsessed with hangers! She has NOT shut her mouth all day. She hasn't slept much today at all. She has been too busy asking questions, nosing through our things, and threatening to throw the new hamper I just bought for her room out the front door. As if being bad and busy is not enough, she still has the poop thing going on. If she were a dog, we'd have already put her down.

I don't even have a title for this madness......

Wednesday afternoon I came home to a crazy old woman who had no clue who anyone was. She was a little bit nasty, but a LOT crazy. I had gotten the news that Mr. Payne was not coming home for supper, so I had no big supper plans....maybe some chicken salad and crackers. So, since there was no pressure, I piled up on my bed with my laptop and some TV. She came into the kitchen demanding (yes, demanding!)something to eat. It was only like 4:30, so I gave her a banana and an Ensure. She went to her room when she finished. In no time, she was back......."Ye got any pannies?" I got up and gave her several pair to take back to her room. She disappeared for a bit. Rebekah came in and we ate our chicken salad (Thanks to Cheryl Taylor, I have to call her every time I make it because Paula Deen I ain't). Rebekah was concerned that I wasn't going to go get her to eat. I assured her that she had her snack and would get up a bit later for her supper. So, after we ate, again, I piled up in my bed looking forward to Criminal Minds and Revenge (my new addiction). Wouldn't you know it? She waited until I was good and settled and here she came. She stood in the door and informed me that her diaper was "just a drippin'". Rage flew over me. I jumped up and literally ran her back to her room to get her changed. Her diaper was full of #2. I just cannot find the words to express the disgust and despair that I feel for her. I never knew just how repulsive this journey was going to get. I literally gag when I clean up after her. I use rubber gloves and still wash my hands obsessively because I feel so completely violated. She cannot help it and I know that. But I can't help my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and disgust. The night rocked on like this. She was up every 20-30 minutes wanting something. By the way, we did feed her some oatmeal and another banana.
I have prayed through this and asked for God's will. I don't want it any other way, but His way. But I also pray that God will keep Kerry and me healthy so that when she finally makes her way to the other side, that he and I can spend good quality time together. It doesn't seem fair that we have raised our children, but still have no quality time together. I long for his companionship, but we almost have to lead separate lives so that someone is here with her all the time. I cannot afford to pay sitters for day and night too. I am not writing this to bring anyone down. I promised myself that I would be honest and true in this blog so that I may be a help to someone facing the same thing. It is not a pretty life, nor sweet as one might believe.  I know that my God will make a way.....where there seems to be no way. He always has, and He always will.

Sad but Still Nasty

Tonight at supper, Moma was kind of sweet, but yet still mean and nasty too. Rebekah has really turned a tender heart toward Moma (and ran interference between the two of us last night at supper). Moma would ask a crazy question, I would sigh, and Rebekah would answer her so sweetly. Then Moma would say something ugly, and Rebekah would respond to her so much like a responsible adult would (unlike me). Then, she pushed her bowl of taco soup away and said, "That ain't worth a shit". Rebekah offered to fix her cheese toast or oatmeal. She encouraged her to eat. Me? Oh I was busy visualizing dumping the soup in her lap.

This is how much my grandmother appreciates the little things I do for her. She is a hot mess!!!!

This is just proof of the kind of weekend I had with this old woman. She was not pleasant ONE MINUTE. She hated everything and everybody. The feeling was mutual.

She is trying to kill me.............really!

I know it has been awhile since I posted, but really, I think she is trying to kill me. She was crazy as a loon last night. Kerry went to a basketball game, Bek was at her play (TOG's On Golden Pond @ The Ritz), Christopher was at work, and I hoped for a quiet evening ALONE (meaning  her asleep and me with my laptop doing school work). Did NOT happen. She was doing that crazy screaming out every few minutes. I am going to try to upload a video of the nonsense. Then, she got very nasty. She called me everything but White and a Child of God. I begged her to go to bed. She was insistent that she was going to stay up. So, I turned out the kitchen lights and TV and told her she could sit in the den or go to bed, but that I was NOT staying in the kitchen. I walked out on her in the dark. She finally came into the den. She sat her happy hiney down on the arm of my chair. I begged her to sit in Kerry's recliner (formerly hers). She refused. She said she'd just sit by me. I made pictures with my iPhone so you could see the proximity of her "closeness". It got worse. I finally gave up and moved to the recliner myself. Then she slumped down into the chair and began her sleeping and then screaming routine. I woke her and said, "Let me help you to your bed". She sat up and screamed, "I am not going to bed right now!" Then she got up and walked all over the den, messing with things, but I let her alone hoping she'd stroll on off to bed. Then she started toward me. She took her walker and slammed it into the side of my recliner about 6 times before I grabbed it and told her to knock it off. Then she just stood over me, grunting and breathing. I gently (because I really didn't want to knock her down, although the visual was lovely) pushed the walker back and said, "Go back to your chair and sit down". For some unknown reason, she did. At 9:00, when Christopher came in from work, he convinced her to let him take her to her room. I still had on my school clothes......if you know me....you know that I prefer to get my bath and get in my jammies asap! I was absolutely exhausted. I got up and went to bed.

Woke up this morning around 8ish. Ate my breakfast first, then got hers started and went to wake her. There she lay, NO DIAPER with poop smeared from one end to the other. I don't know how she kept her feet out of it. I had such an urge to just put the pillow over her face and finish her off, but all the dead relatives pictures were staring at me.....so I just commenced cleaning her nasty tail up. She was HORRIBLE all day. My name has been "damn bitch" or "hateful bitch" most of the day. She threatened me over some out of date Tylenol that I tossed. ("You better go get my medicine or you'll be sorry!") I tried to keep from arguing with her because I am currently not on blood pressure medicine and I want to keep it that way. An old friend called and as we talked, she commented about Moma screaming in the background. She finally went to lie down around 4. When Kerry got home from getting our supper, I went to wake her up, and there she was, just like I found her this morning. No Diaper, poop everywhere! She is seriously trying to kill me.