Yesterday was my sister's birthday. She is 59!! (a good 7 years older than me) I knew there would be no bells and whistles awaiting her at work or at home, so I planned a "cocktail party" for her. It was a great excuse to make party food, and my family was all about having it for supper. The little princess nearly drove me crazy wanting to "mess" in everything I was doing. I caught her about to stick her finger in the dip for a taste. She is so nasty. She begged for a bite of everything we had. I finally had to say that I would go ahead and fix her a plate if she couldn't wait for Sherry to get there. I guess that shamed her because she opted to wait.
Sherry finally arrived and we were about to dig in. I went to get Moma out of the bed so she wouldn't feel as if she'd been an afterthought. I set about fixing her plate when she announced "I guess we are just supposed to help ourselves!" Patience is not one of her gifts. "I am fixing your plate. SIT DOWN!" I barked. Sherry and I got our plates and proceeded to talk and visit like we always do, and of course, the princess felt left out. She would interrupt, cough, hack, spit, stomp her feet, etc. to get our attention. She offered everyone the food left on her plate (because we want her sloppy seconds?). Then she began her act of Iamgoingtofeedthedogwhilesheain'tlooking! I was ahead of the game. I took her plate and napkins (that were full of tidbits) and put them on the counter by the sink. I cut her a nice large slice of birthday cake with tons of icing. I have become pro at diversion tactics. She ate, and all but licked her plate. Within 5 minutes, she asked "Ain't you got nothing sweet?" We reminded her that she had just had cake. "Aww, that ain't sweet!" So, I reached up on top of the refrigerator and got her 2 pieces of her coconut candy. Thinking she would be satisfied, I turned to Sherry and continued our chat. I heard something and saw the dogs (who were trapped in the den by a dog gate) eating. She was tossing pieces of her candy into the den for them. I snatched what was left and the bag and threw it away. I was screaming at her and stomping around the kitchen. I wanted to kill her and it was quite plain to everyone in the room. She tried that innocent "I didn't know" routine, but then referred to the "stupid" sign that I have posted about not feeding the "damn" dogs. I said, "That's fine. You just spited yourself! You won't get any more". She was turning red and screamed, "You won't get no more!" lol She was so mad she couldn't think straight. When I settled down and began putting things up, she said, "Give me some of that watermelon". (Pardon my French) I said, "HELL NO!!!!! You are not getting anything else this night! Go to bed!" She got up and started out of the room, and turned back to say, "You cram ever-bit of that watermelon up your ass!" Good Lord.....................
***Post Retraction***
Apparently, I heard my precious husband's comment wrong the other night, and he is demanding a retraction. His version: "If you don't slow down, you are going to be wanting lap band surgery, and you can't have that and go to school too" Any mention of lap band surgery to a menopausal overweight woman is the same to me. But that is okay, I love you anyway! All kidding aside, I could not make it without him and my kids! We are all suffering through this journey with Mildred together. In my book, Kerry Payne is awesome!!
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