Home

Friday, February 10, 2012

I don't even have a title for this madness......

Wednesday afternoon I came home to a crazy old woman who had no clue who anyone was. She was a little bit nasty, but a LOT crazy. I had gotten the news that Mr. Payne was not coming home for supper, so I had no big supper plans....maybe some chicken salad and crackers. So, since there was no pressure, I piled up on my bed with my laptop and some TV. She came into the kitchen demanding (yes, demanding!)something to eat. It was only like 4:30, so I gave her a banana and an Ensure. She went to her room when she finished. In no time, she was back......."Ye got any pannies?" I got up and gave her several pair to take back to her room. She disappeared for a bit. Rebekah came in and we ate our chicken salad (Thanks to Cheryl Taylor, I have to call her every time I make it because Paula Deen I ain't). Rebekah was concerned that I wasn't going to go get her to eat. I assured her that she had her snack and would get up a bit later for her supper. So, after we ate, again, I piled up in my bed looking forward to Criminal Minds and Revenge (my new addiction). Wouldn't you know it? She waited until I was good and settled and here she came. She stood in the door and informed me that her diaper was "just a drippin'". Rage flew over me. I jumped up and literally ran her back to her room to get her changed. Her diaper was full of #2. I just cannot find the words to express the disgust and despair that I feel for her. I never knew just how repulsive this journey was going to get. I literally gag when I clean up after her. I use rubber gloves and still wash my hands obsessively because I feel so completely violated. She cannot help it and I know that. But I can't help my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and disgust. The night rocked on like this. She was up every 20-30 minutes wanting something. By the way, we did feed her some oatmeal and another banana.
I have prayed through this and asked for God's will. I don't want it any other way, but His way. But I also pray that God will keep Kerry and me healthy so that when she finally makes her way to the other side, that he and I can spend good quality time together. It doesn't seem fair that we have raised our children, but still have no quality time together. I long for his companionship, but we almost have to lead separate lives so that someone is here with her all the time. I cannot afford to pay sitters for day and night too. I am not writing this to bring anyone down. I promised myself that I would be honest and true in this blog so that I may be a help to someone facing the same thing. It is not a pretty life, nor sweet as one might believe.  I know that my God will make a way.....where there seems to be no way. He always has, and He always will.

No comments: