Decision made, no regrets

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an honest portrayal of what it is like to have an elderly person live with you when living alone is no longer possible. I have not been completely honest. For privacy reasons, I have kept something from you for almost a week now.
Recently, an opening came up in a private care home, in my community. I was encouraged by many to take the opportunity to put Moma there, and un-burden my life. I made the call, I got the information. I shared it with my sister. Then I prayed. I called on some of my prayer warrior friends to help. I only asked that they pray that I make the right decision for Moma (not me). Several commented to me that they felt I should do this for my sanity; that I had done my part. I continued to pray. I pleaded with the Lord for a clear answer, a sign to know what to do. But as is His way (and the answer I hate), He said, "Wait". Wait for what? I pouted but continued pleading for His wisdom. While I was doing laundry Sunday, the answer begin to come to me. "Are you doing this for selfish reasons?" was the question that kept coming to mind. Long story short....the ONLY unselfish reason I was considering it was my precious husband's health. But after he assured me that he was not an issue, and for me not to even consider him as one; he was fine. "Okay Lord, you are right. It is about 95% for selfish reasons. "There is your answer", I felt Him say. Peace. I felt peace. God did not call me into this for ME. He asked me to sacrifice, but promised to meet my needs. He has. I am selfish. I want it all. That is NOT His plan for me. He does not call the equipped. He equips the called. I am called for this mission. Yes, I feel peace.

Chex Mix?

Imagine the pleasure of waking to the sound of a cane thumping through your home. As I lay in bed, in and out of sleep, I was aware that she was moving around the house. I wasn't too concerned as it sounded like, to me, that she was in our living room. I figured she was looking out the picture window. I must have drifted off. Kerry woke me, "She's in the pantry!" I flung back the covers, jerked open our bedroom door, and there, between the doors of my pantry stood Moma elbow deep in a bag of Chex Mix. She wasn't even a little surprised when I opened the door. The truth is she did not care. She was munching on some Turtle Chex Mix (and no telling what else). Ugh....

Catch up

Whew! The last 72 hours has been a whirlwind of insanity. Starting with Wednesday night when I had to bodily remove her from the kitchen. She was determined (at 10:30 pm) to have her a cookie that I was baking for Thanksgiving. It was a very ugly scene, with her telling us to "ram the cookies" and to "Kiss her ass" (her favorite response to anything she doesn't like). I thought Kerry was going to have a stroke, he was so mad at her.
Thanksgiving day was another fun day. I made her sit down and watch the parade with me (she slept). When I started getting ready, she woke up and came into the bathroom with me (which is so typical). I got her a washcloth and got her started washing up. Too bad I cannot share those details because they are precious! lol When we got to Kerry's mother's house (which was so much fun loading food and Moma in the truck BY MYSELF), I sat her down at the table (to save time). When the food was ready, I fixed her a BIG plate with one of everything (her favorite). She began eating and did not stop the whole rest of the time we were there. I thought she would explode. She couldn't finish her dessert, so she did the logical thing. She dumped it off the PAPER plate it was on (because we wouldn't want to take that home) into a paper napkin and rolled it up and was about to shove it into her coat pocket. We all stopped her because the cake was not going to stay in the napkin and the icing would be all over her coat. Kerry's mother got up to get her some aluminum foil. Kerry was fussing at Moma. He took the foil and put it on the table and said in a rather loud voice...."HERE!" She flung the whole thing on the foil and said, "Take the damn thing". It was going down an ugly path, but I looked at her across that table and said, "Hush" in that voice my mother used to use in delicate situations and for some reason, it worked. We got home around 3, and my sister picked her up at 4:30 for Thanksgiving at her house. She kept her until 8:00!!!!!!!!!!!! Rebekah and I did not know what to do! We loaded up the dogs and got in the car in search of something (we really did not know what). After riding around 30 minutes, we ended up at McDonalds where I bought Bek and the dogs some Chicken McNuggetts and me a cheeseburger. Not what we wanted, but just so thankful to be out and to be free!!! We came home, built a huge roaring fire and watched Holiday Inn and White Christmas. It was a precious time with my baby girl!
This morning, Moma woke me up at 7:55 am yelling "You gone sleep all day?" Ugh.......

The Princess and the Lights (this should be a fairy tale)

I have been at home all day with the princess. She has not been too bad, but trying. About 3:00, I told her that we were going to see the lights tonight at the falls. I told her that she should go and pick out what she wanted to wear. I came in from taking the dogs out at 3:30 and she was already in that closet. Finally, at 5:30, I started trying to get her out the door. I begged her to take her little hat that goes with her coat, but she refused.
Kerry met us at the truck and got her out. She complained about being cold. She complained about having to walk. She complained about having to get on the train. Once we got on the train (and my camera's battery died after the first picture!), she started fidgeting. She looked at me and said, "Julie, help me hang on to this stick (her cane)" She was worrying it would fall out. I could tell she was about to freak out. When the train started, she begin to whine about being cold. I reminded her that I tried to get her to bring her hat. She pulled out a handkerchief and began trying to tie it around her head. I looked one time and it was over her forehead and eyes like a bandanna. She worked with it, missing half the lights, for what seemed like half the trip. I wanted her to enjoy the lights, but as usual, she was more interested in something that was all about her.
When I got her home, she did the Tim Conway shuffle step to her room and talked like an invalid for about an hour. In her mind, she had been through the wringer.
If you are close by, don't miss the lights at Noccalula Falls. They are spectacular, and there are lots of extras! Kids can write a letter to Santa, decorate a cookie, visit the petting zoo, and see Santa! Bring your kids and your camera! It is fabulous!

The details...

Okay Okay....I was home with her all day Saturday. She was bossy, nosy, and into everything. She had my things rearranged in every room in this house. I started cleaning house to get her to go to bed. For some reason when I get out the vacuum cleaner, she goes to her room! Afraid I'll ask her to help I guess. But even that did not keep her down Saturday. She had a nasty attitude too. She called Rebekah a liar, and argued with me about everything I said. So, on to Sunday. My day to go to church, and Kerry Payne's day to stay with her. When I got in from church, she was at the table eating. Kerry and Rebekah reported that she had eaten one of everything in the house. Kerry was parching peanuts in the oven to take to the golf course. She got her some peanuts out of the oven and cracked them. She had them in a napkin in her pocket. I caught her feeding them to the dogs. I took them away from her, and she scolded me, saying "You'll be sorry!" Then she started praying out loud. "Jesus, I can't eat nothing. Jesus help me Lord. Everything I do is wrong. Help me Jesus!" Of course, being the smart tail I am I shouted "NO JESUS HELP ME!!!" Kerry came in and fussed at her, and she put her fingers in her ears and said, "shut-up, shut-up, shut-up" over and over. She was awful all day. Arguing about everything, she made Kerry so mad at her I thought he might pack up and leave! I had to go back to church for our community Thanksgiving service, and once again, left him here with her. When I got home, it wasn't any better. They'd been at each other's throats, but she was in bed. As usual, in no time after my arrival at home, she came into the kitchen wanting something. Her speech was slow, but I didn't think anything about it since she'd been asleep. I fixed her chocolate milk which she dropped in the floor and spilled it everywhere. After I cleaned it up, I told her to go put on a dry gown. She said, "I hate to ask this, but can I have some more? I didn't get but a sip" UGH! I wanted to KILL her. After she drank the tiny amount I gave her, she went off to her room. She was staggering, but no more than usual. She got in her room and closed the door. We heard a thud, and Kerry said, "She fell!" I went down there and found her buck naked in the floor with a bleeding knee. We now think she had a mini stroke. The weekend went from bad to worse. She was CRAZY as a run over dog until she finally went to sleep. Ask me if I am weary...go on...I dare you.

Awful

She has been awful today! Just awful!!! Details to come later. Film at 11....

Sigh

Today, I am going to attempt to clean this nasty house. We usually put up a tree this week at some point. I have NO desire to put up a tree. I don't want to move furniture to make that happen. I really don't want to clean, except that I enjoy breathing clean air. The very life has been sucked right out of me. Thanks be to God, family and close friends, I do still have the Christmas spirit in my heart. I can close my eyes and be on Santa's lap in that old Sears building. I can still smell the popcorn from the dime store where my mother is looking at Christmas wrap. But then reality sets in when I catch her in my refrigerator feeding my dogs, or whining about how bad she feels. Send up a prayer for God to GIVE me what I need to continue this journey. He will supply, I know.